Can I take your order?
Yeah, lemme get a McRib and a large Coke.
Sir, this is Wallgreens
OK, make it a bottle of Xanax, and some Pringles
You Might Also Like
ME: *rolls up sleeves* time to fix the sink
WIFE: *rolling her sleeves back down* what is wrong with you just fix it
*opens “Job Interview Handbook”
*reads “dress for the job you want”
*goes to computer
*opens browser
*Googles “ladies’ bicycle seat costume”
Betrayal Treasury, Age 5:
Instead of ice cream after my tonsillectomy, a lime popsicle, the texture of which I do not enjoy.
Husband: Are we going to start eating healthier?
Me: Absolutely!
Husband: So burgers and fries for dinner tonight?
Me: Absolutely!
hitman: clearly you can’t afford my rates so i’m referring you over to my partner
hit or missman: i guarantee that i will either kill the target or get you sent directly to jail
My first trip to a beach as a child, I spent the entire time running away from hordes of crabs chasing me with gigantic claws. Unrelated, I’m now a big fan of crab cakes.
Death. Resurrection. Saviour. I believe in Robocop.
[after working out] i was promised endorphins this is bullshit
My dog licked the crumbs out of my computer keyboard & earned an online college degree.
“I’m so sorry”, I go around whispering to people who’ve just woken up from a coma.
I tell people I rearrange my furniture to change things up, but we all know it’s to annoy my husband
If you are worried about getting a double chin, do not, I repeat do not fold a beach towel in front of the mirror.
I haven’t worn a trench coat since a random man in his 60s said to me “what are you looking for detective” 😭😭
“Hello, customer support. How may I help you? You’re looking for a refund? What seems to be the problem?… I understand. Please hold while I direct your call to our mean person.”
I’m not fat. Just retaining cookies.
I did a bad I need to share
I broke a thing they can’t repair
I tried denial I tried despair
But settled on a vacant stare
What idiot called it a tree trimmer instead of a branch manager?
Store clerk: May I help you?
Me: I hope so. Sweetie go get your math homework, this nice woman is going to help us.
the best thing to throw at your spouse when you’re having a fight is a croissant cuz he’ll try to catch it in his mouth but it comes back to you like a boomerang & that’s just a delicious way to end a marriage . you’re welcome .
My daughter wants to know why I won’t peel and slice her apple and according to her “because I’m driving” is not a valid excuse.
[Michael Bay directing]
“WE NEED A HOTTER CHICK”
Teacher: This is your son’s 3rd grade play
“Oh right. I forgot. WE NEED BIGGER EXPLOSIONS”
QUESTION: What were the very first straws made of? ANSWER: Straw.
What if your dog speaks French and this whole time has been asking you for some beef?
[sees kid crying in grocery store]
hey little guy
[kneels down to his level]
Can you please move you’re blocking the Cinnamon Toast Crunch?
*Refuses to go to the gym
Adds resistance training to workout list.
I’m going on an all breadcrumb diet because I’ve never seen a duck with a double chin.
i respect snow plows bc their whole job is to take a giant mess and push it to the side for someone else to deal w later
What did Yoda say when he saw himself in 4K?
HDMI
You tell me to get off my high horse? Why dont you tell the damn horse to stop getting high all the time.. His drug problem isn’t my problem