Ok, imagine torturing someone
But, by torture, I’m just asking a person to get their pajamas on
And, by someone, I mean my son
#parenthood
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some days you look in the mirror and all you see is a Botero painting
Rats the size of cats!
Cats the size of dogs!
Dogs the size of horses!
They’ve definitely put the wrong prescription in my new glasses.
My neighbor told me his son watched “Cujo” for the first time.
Guess who’s putting shaving cream around the dogs mouth tomorrow?
I wonder if Batman ever saw the Batsignal and thought ‘I’ve literally just sat down.”
If you’re having a bad day just remember, somewhere in the world someone’s telling their parents they’re a life coach
To answer your question: No, I’ve never been sought after, but I did once confuse a man’s intentions toward my lasagna as being sought after so I married him.
15 got his first job at Buffalo Wild Wings and today I went to pick him up, my car now smells like deep fried onions and axe body spray.
things to call your girlfriend:
sugar
honey
flour
egg
salt
butter
stir thoroughly
pour into pan
preheat oven to 350
bake for 15min
enjoy
Somebody needs to get my shit together.
Some of you never rooted for Godzilla and it shows.
[edison inventing lightbulb]
[match appears over his head]
I have an idea
I usually stumble upon her safe words by accident, like when I say ‘moist’ or ‘I paid full price for everything at Whole Foods’
My family gather round while the lawyer quietly reads my will. He hands out 1 hot dog each and when they finish eating he asks them to leave
I got my husband to marry me 51 days after we met. Today is our 20th Anniversary and I think he’s still wondering what the hell happened.
I wish my credit card was like me and had 0% interest.
I’ve discovered I can turn invisible, but it’s involuntary and only works on bartenders.
This salad I’m having for lunch tastes a lot like I’m having a greasy burger and onion rings for dinner.
me: I want to be handsome like my dad
friend: is your dad handsome?
me: no but he wants to be too
Him: This fish is too fishy.
Me: How’s your water? Too wet?
If dogs can eat raw chicken, so can I.
– dead people
Let me get this straight. The guy was raised by animals in the jungle with no human contact whatsoever and he named himself George?
Batman: Why so down?
Aquaman: People think I’m not a real superhero. I’m tired of being walked all over.
*[Jesus enters]
Aquaman: Dammit!
I could finish folding this laundry much faster if the cat would stop “helping”!
Car’s automatic gearbox shit itself and I was staring down the barrel of a £7.5k repair job, gingerly drove the car home to ‘think it over’ and someone drove right up my arse and wrote it off. I couldn’t stop smiling at the side of the road, the guy thought I was a psychopath.
*marshmallows
*chocolate
*graham crackers
*lighter fluid
*matchesCashier: “Going camping?”
Me: “Nope”*wine
*tampons
(Jupiter –
As the pair of scissors steps up to the starting line, the other runners quickly realize that this race just got a whole lot more dangerous.
wife: please don’t pick any fights this year
me: im over that stuff [shows up later to my kid’s birthday party with a piñata shaped like one of the other parents]
[security patting down mouse]
“Any cheese on your person, sir?”
[waves another mouse over them like a metal detector wand]
“He’s clean.”