casino dealer: ok all bets on the table
cat: [pushes bets off the table]
dealer: stop that are you in or out
cat: YES
You Might Also Like
All these girls tweeting about going braless & I’m just over here on my back trying not to look like I have 2 bald guys in a headlock.
I hate handshakes. The bones really mess up the blender and the knuckles are hard to swallow.
The story of Narcissus falling in love with his reflection is a little far-fetched.
*takes 87 selfies*
I’ve grown more powerful but in a completely useless way.
Trainer: Are you wearing lipstick? Me: OMG no, that’s just wine.
20/__ — Cyclops with perfect vision
Deleted old tweets just in case i date a very famous woman with rabid fans
Seat cushions are the original stool softeners
Went to an outdoor restaurant in the rain once. Took me two hours to finish my soup.
I wanted to lose some pounds…..
So I went to the casino.
Cops in movies keeping guard outside hospital rooms have a 0% success rate.
I walked down a street where the houses were numbered 64K, 128K, 256K, 512K and 1MB. That was a trip down memory lane.
At what point should you worry about your drinking?
I bet it’s before your kid builds a Lego brewery.
Once you realize most planets take about a billion years to stabilize in their orbits, you’ll feel much better about yourself
I like to live on the edge by taking my kids for a haircut and then going home to show my wife what I let happen
I see your ‘swagger’ and raise you my full-time job. Yeah.
I just had a raccoon knocking on my bedroom window like a boyfriend trying to get in when your parents fall asleep.
I’ve developed a program that checks my Facebook each day and automatically sends “Happy Birthday” posts. I run it on a cloud service that’s so cheap that I’ve loaded it with enough credit for it to run autonomously for ten years. I’m worried it’ll keep going after I die.
Buys a cheap box of wine and parties like it’s $19.99
My dad’s shop teacher cut off another finger while demonstrating how he accidentally cut off the first one. It reminds of the second time I got married.
Find a penny pick it up and all day long you’ll have an obsolete form of currency in your pocket.
It’s true. Parents that use drugs, have kids that use drugs. So, there’s an important lesson here…
Don’t have kids.
The grass is greener on whatever side of the fence you water it. Stay in your own yard. Trespassers get shot in my yard.
My daughter told me breathing is for losers and now I have to somehow surreptitiously check her for gills
Tom Holland in Spider-Man: Peter Parker
Tom Holland in Uncharted: Peter Parkour
dog: the humans have food all the way up on the counter, that’s illegal
*calls in the SWAT team*
cat, wearing sunglasses and tactical gear: I’ll take it from here boys
Me: If something tragic happens it’s a tragedy, so if something magic happens it’s a “magedy”
Websters: Sir, you have to stop calling
I wish my kids are as committed to turning off the lights as they are at forcing their way into my bathroom to say “You’re eating my Kit Kats!”
Indiana Jones & The Wait What They’re Making Another One