Husband: How did the toaster break?
Me: I have no idea. I only dropped it once.
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Donald Duck can walk around Disney pantless and everyone loves him, but when I do it, it’s “indecent”?
If I get bit by a vampire at this age, I’m going to be furious.
the dog ran into a fence chasing a squirrel. she doesn’t look anything like me but she’s mine. i can tell
Are you happy to see me, or is that a banana? Are you covered in bananas? Are you, in fact, a banana tree and incapable of happiness no matter what?
Me: How do I really create a high
income? How do I pay taxes? How
do I buy a new house?School:
Well actually, Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell.
OK. So you’re REALLY good at interfering.
What do you want, a meddle?
[high school reunion]
“Hey aren’t u the kid who used to lie and throw people under the bus all the time?”
No that was Tyler.
This bicyclist in front of me sure dresses like he could be pedaling faster.
I triple waxed for this?
the difference between me and humpty dumpty is that his friends looked at him and thought to themselves “we should put him back together”
Sue from work says putting zucchini in her brownie makes it incredibly moist. I told Sue I’ve had similar successes.
Not all white people die in hot air balloon accidents, but only white people die in hot air balloon accidents.
As an introvert, having a special place in hell reserved just for me sounds rather nice.
was fired from my court stenographer job when the defendant was sentenced to 15-20 years and I remarked: “aww, big stretch!”
This is my daughter Amaranth, my son Sorghum, and our dog Millet. Sorry if the photo is a little — grainy.
Boom! Zing! This is free content!
Rompers are cute and all until you have to pee in a public bathroom. There’s no cute way to execute that. You’re now in an episode of naked and afraid.
I just did yoga. No wait, yogurt.
When your unicorn and dragon start battling each other, it’s time to lay off the Ambien
Han: Leave us alone, you fat slug!
Jabba: *speaks Huttese*
C-3PO: The mighty Jabbs says your words are hurtful. He has a thyroid problem.
me: tries to get every last possible drop out of a shampoo bottle so as not to waste any
also me: rinses away half a bar of soap to get a single hair off of it
FURNITURE MAKER WHO SECRETLY HATES HIS WIFE: Honey I created a new type of cabinet. I’m gonna name it after you
SUSAN: Aw baby that’s sweet
How to pick up a girl in a club:
1. Stare at her
2. Walk up to her
3. Shout stuff
My safe word is now just a dry cough.
me: when the weinermobile goes through the car wash do they take the bun portion off or do they just let it get all soggy
judge: i meant questions about your life sentence
Twitter. Or as I call it: Sinterest.
I moved to this city ten years ago with just the money in my pocket and a debit card that gave me access to the rest of my money which was in a bank account.
My safe word is antidisestablishmentarianism.
Don’t worry. I never get laid.
2010: Didn’t jog
2011: Didn’t jog
2012: Didn’t jog
2013: Didn’t jog
2014: Haven’t jogged~ This is a running joke
I’m always a little suspicious of women who say that they don’t “remember things”
ME: how can i prepare for my date
FRIEND: get her some flowers. roses, orchids
ME: definitely roses, we’re not ready for kids yet