Husband: I called my boss “Honey” today.
Wife: What? Why?
H: He was shouting at me and telling me I was wrong, and it just slipped out.
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ME: (meeting the devil) I love your eggs.
Tween and me: *arguing*
Husband: God, you two are just like each other.
Tween and me: WHAT’D YOU SAY?
Husband: *jumps out window*
I’m the outdoorsy type. I hate being chained to a desk all day, but management say they have no choice until I stop biting my coworkers.
A few years back a guy in law school asked me how much for a foot massage and being the idiot I am, thought he was asking how much I paid for reflexology so I said “I pay $50 plus a tip but my guy is booked for the next 3 months” and he didn’t talk to me again until 2L year
All I ask is that when I’m murdered, you make my chalk outline four sizes smaller.
waiter: what’ll it be?
me: I’ll have chameleon
waiter: that’s not on the menu
me: how can you be sure?
I am trying to learn more about coding and some other computery type things and I think it’s been pretty neat. I see things like ‘this is a nested element’ and it’s like, yea, I like that. That element sounds cozy. I want to join it. Sit with it, talk and have some coffee.
Angry drunks make no sense to me, I can only get upset when I’m not drinking.
Republicans, don’t forget to set your clocks back 50 years
There’s no way you can prove to me that pterodactyls didn’t pronounce the p
Netflix needs a notification that says ‘Do you want to watch something or not?’ for when couples are taking too long to decide
welcome to janurary 32nd everyone
My grandad used to swear by refrigerators. And televisions. In fact, he was probably the most foul-mouthed member of staff Comet ever had.
ASSISTANT: People are worried you won’t do all the things you promised.
TRUMP: I’ll just blame someone else.
ASSISTANT: Like who?
TRUMP:
17 told me I was “mid.” I don’t know what that means, but I’m going to change the WI-FI password about it.
Me: I miss traffic and people
Mother Earth: IDK this is the best I’ve felt in YEARS
I’m lost at Costco but everyone here looks like my dad. Just gonna pick the one with the best groceries and start a new life I guess.
Physicist: *pounds fist* None of our models predicted this!
Cindy Crawford: What did you expect? My major was Chemical Engineering.
We got about 5-6 inches of snow here in the last 24 hrs, or, according to men, we got 8 inches.
Every homemade dinner counts as negative calories because of the exercise we get waving pillows at the smoke detectors.
[ first date ]
me: i’d like to see you again
chameleon: oh sorry
me: there you are
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Can you hear my chips?
Me: *eating turkey*
Cartographer: My work!
My daughter and I decided to play Monopoly, and we’ve been arguing about the rules for the last hour.
Teacher: What were Romans doing in year 400
Me: IDK, Roming?
My “snooze” button should just be called the “nope, no yoga today” button.
God: It’s time to speed up the apocalypse.
Angel: But people are basically good. Give them a chance!
God: The Baby Shark people just released a “Wash Your Hands” song.
Angel: Never mind, go ahead.
me: I ONLY GOT 3 HOURS OF SLEEP LAST NIGHT AND I FEEL GREAT MY BODY HAS FINALLY LEARNED TO EFFECTIVELY AND EFFICIENTLY USE ENERGY
me, 4 minutes later: o god i am dying