HUSBAND: I can’t believe you’re in your 40s. You look so young.
ME: Nice try. You’re not getting the last piece of pizza.
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IDK if you really want to impress me with your car…… get a food truck
I don’t need your flipping advice, I am capable of ruining my life on my own.
You know who else doesn’t leave another man’s girlfriend alone?
Mosquitos
*hot lady looks at me*
Me: Hi! Do I know you?
Lady: No I think I’m mistaken.
*awkward pause*
Me: So…is there a mister taken?
*hit by bus*
Be warned: there’s a proper legend on the streets of Brighton.
How times have changed.
Marvellous mathematical takedown of a Motivational Poster
[first day as a detective] I can’t remember where I parked my car
Why do I have so many fruit flies in my apartment? All the fruit I have is either gummy or schnapps.
The local diner is now selling rolls of toilet paper displayed in the glass case alongside their pie, which is really confusing.
Unless you’ve ever eaten their pie.
[Text]
18: This Hotel wants me to pay for Wi-Fi?!
Me: You do know someone pays for Wi-Fi at home too, right?
forged some of the most powerful bonds of my entire life on the beach like this
Me as a teen: Only 150 hours?
Me as an adult: I will literally pay you more money to make this game shorter
The only thing I’ve ever made from scratch was dandruff.
I hate when my kids ask me impossible questions like: What day is it?
What’s for dinner?
-A question asked by children who have no intention of eating the answer.
My best quality: telling it like it is.
My worst quality: telling it like it is.
*after 7 hours in a Chinese restaurant*
Me to waiter: “Actually, do you think I could have a fork?”
I don’t even like sleep, it’s just the only way I can eat spiders
*gets arrested
*mug shot posted
*waits for modeling contract
2015: This is our son, Aiden.
2016: This is our son, Lemonaiden.
Apparently trying to bribe a zookeeper to set up an animal Thunderdome situation will get you kicked out of the zoo.
[blind date]
JEFF BEZOS: I brought you flowers
HER: Oh thanks. That’s very sweet
JEFF BEZOS: I see you’ve liked flowers. Perhaps you’d like these other flowers
Accidentally took an adderall instead of an anti-depressant now I’m SUPER focused on my depression.
[Teaching pet elephant to wash the car]
ok Stompy fill your nose with water and spray it
*elephant crushes car*
why did I name you Stompy
[introducing myself to new boyfriends parents]
“Hi, I usually don’t make it this far”
🎶99 sheets of TP on the roll
99 sheets of TP,
You take one down,
Make it all brown,
98 sheets of TP on the roll.
98 sheets of TP on-🎶Wife [outside bathroom door]: PLEASE STOP SINGING
Absence didn’t work what else ya got?