HUSBAND: I got the dog heart shaped cookies for Valentine’s Day.
ME: *through a mouthful of cookies* The dog?
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*intermittently glances at phone while placing order for 6 burritos so the Chipotle lady thinks they’re for multiple people*
I never drive behind someone with a dream catcher hanging from the rearview mirror.
DO YOU THINK YOU MIGHT FALL ASLEEP AT ANY MOMENT?!?
Rival dad just flexed on my bird feeder post telling me about his with a built in camera. I may not recover from this.
a good rule of thumb is to try to live your life in such a way that when you die, your funeral’s not drowned out by the world cheering
Americans: “Beans on toast? Gross.”
Also Americans:
Damn girl are you a bag of sunflower seeds? Cause I wanna spend a bunch of money, work really hard and not be completely satisfied
wife: I don’t think our marriage can survive the distance issue
me: what distance issue, I’m always here or nearby
wife:
me: oh
I made the mistake of meeting one of my cat’s demands and now he has more.
Plays “In Your Eyes” on the kazoo outside your window, dressed like a potato.
me irl
GUY ON TV: I’m going to show you how to make something today
ME [fingers crossed] please be a friend
Today my 6yo said it was good it’s snowing, as that means the earth isn’t getting hotter, and tonight she starts as an anchor on Fox News.
Honestly, I think Bernie Sanders is just angry about email in general. #DemDebate
*Caterpillar marriage therapy*
Wife: he’s not the man I married
Husband flying around room: I’m the same on the inside Karen!!!
Amuse yourself at dinner parties by stealing one of their forks and replacing it with one of your own
Her: What did you get for Valentine’s Day?
Me: Drunk!
One nice thing about my kids sleeping so late in the summer is that I save money on breakfast foods because it’s been completely eliminated from their diets.
Pretty sure my refrigerator is having sex with itself from all the noises its making.
Me*taps wife’s shoulder*Whatcha doin?
wife:Meditating
me*still tapping*Why?
wife: It helps me relax
me*still tapping* Is it working?
wife:No
DATING TIP: Pick up the check. Pick up the table. Pick up the chairs and the waitress and the bartender. Everyone loves upper body strength.
Nursery owner helping me load plants, “Your car looks just like mine.”
“You have a Crosstrek too” I ask.
“No, lots of wine bags.”
Wife: Honey, you may not be the sharpest tool in the shed, but you are adorable
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …when did we get a shed?
You can’t intimidate me; you’re not a hairbrush.
When people call me a monster I always hope they mean a cute one like Cookie Monster
DATE: you smell so nice – what are you wearing?
ME: Febreeze
Sometimes I think about the time my four year old told me she ate fruit at school and when I asked her what kind she said flamangos.
I hop around on one foot a lot because the other foot is usually in my mouth.
A broken heart won’t kill you, but it can make you feel like dying.
If u rob a container store does that count as organized crime?
My 3 year old nephew pronounces the letter ‘s’ like ‘d’ and received a very comprehensive lesson on the importance of the number six tonight.