Husband: I love you.
Me: Bullshit name 2 of my albums.
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sometimes I worry that my diseases are saving up to move to a better person in a more desirable location
I don’t feel bad ignoring the baby when she cries. If she really needs something, she should text me.
Find a penny, pick it up. All day long you’ll wtf, that thing is filthy. Wash your hands immediately.
I talk a lot of shit for someone who has to let out a Karate yell in order to stand up from tying their shoes.
It’s confusing how my kid is failing drama when he puts on award winning performances anytime he’s asked to do anything
learn from a vacuum cleaner, don’t work beyond the limit of your cord…
Misery loves Company, whereas Company is just trying to get laid.
An apple a day keeps my fruit-picking business trapped in bankruptcy.
2000: I don’t want no scrubs
2020: I’m actually gonna need all those scrubs.
Under a bridge, harassing goats. That’s how I troll.
instead of meal prepping on sundays, have u considered taking an impromptu and cost ineffective trip to the grocery store every single day of the week?
If you love her, shout it from the rooftops. Tell everyone around you. Tell the internet. Tell the cashier at cvs. Tell a hobo. Tell her husband. Whatever.
Your honor? My client would like to address the court and ruin everything.
Nice try Mormons moms, but no amount of propaganda could trick me into being a good wife!
friend (via text): can I call you right now?
me: no. i’m not near my phone.
“Hi. My name is Jeff and I’m an alcoholic_”
*embarrassed silence in the room*
“Wow. Tough crowd.”
Worst Bring Your Dad To School Day EVER
“Waitress!”
Waitress: “Sir?”
“Could you check the rest-room? My date has been gone 2 hours. Also, her coat has been stolen”
Nice beard bro looks like you just ate a bunch of lollipops then made out with your cat
Pro tip:
Ensure that you never have to spend the holidays at your mother-in-law’s again by telling her that her cooking tastes “institutional.”
WHY would you be happy about this?
Job requirements these days be like:
Looking to hire a caterpillar. Must have ten years experience as a butterfly.
This is an emergency!
*Begs to borrow strangers phone
*starts scrolling through pics
I learned my first lesson at ninja school today: Do not wear corduroy pants.
Can’t believe I’ve already spent $500 on mayonnaise this year.
My husband just called our dog, Gertie by her real name, Gertrude. She must be in a lot of trouble.
Always a bit depressed when I pass my ex’s house and see that it still hasn’t burned to the ground.
I always cary a clump of my hair in my pocket so when people say, “I like your haircut”, I can respond with, “Thanks. Here, have some.”
If you don’t have plans tonight, head to a crowded restaurant, stand up during the meal, and say “She said yes!”. Free applause and dessert. You’re welcome.
Her: You must think our relationship is some sort of game.
Me: Nope. Games are fun.