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@OhNoSheTwitnt: Husband: I love you.
Me: Bullshit name 2 of my albums.
@Blarebare: My wife just said that Twilight is better than The Lost Boys. I don't think there's a jury in the world that would convict me.
@DaveTheAlbino: I'm too fat to be a hipster. I'm thinking of becoming a Heapster instead.
@AmyLondon: @funTweeters TIL:The phrase "I plead the fifth" comes from the minimum volume of alcohol one can blame for committing the alleged infraction
@uncle_fescue: Buddy: her boyfriend was killed?
Me: Yeah, she said he was hung like a horse but I'm like, who even kills horses like that?
@AndyAsAdjective: A lot of people ask me "why do you lie about the high number of people asking you things?"