reminder: dont bring up serious subjects at the dinner table, some times its just not worth it
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I’ve never wanted to know the answer to anything bad enough to ask a question at the end of a meeting that’s running 30 minutes over time.
#oldknees
“Hey, you guys dare me to eat this whole party sub by myself?”
I ask the dolls that line my bedroom shelves
I’m putting off having kids mainly because I’m not ready to be 9 months sober.
ㅤ THE CORONAVIRUS
PROS: CONS:
-Alone time – Might die
-Cool facemasks
-Can horde toilet
paper without
seeming weird
-Might die
We’ve been so worried about my 95-y-o grandmother at a retirement home in New Orleans and she called today to say they ran out of Tito’s vodka and could we ship her some.
I went out for a walk and the neighbor kids asked if I could play. Later losers, I have friends now.
Dear diary,
Third date this week that went bad. The tablecloth trick is getting better though. Will try again on my date tomorrow night.
“Sorry, we’re clothed” – Manager at a Nudist resort
a haunted house, but every room is just learning more about Will & Jada.
“Can you describe your self in two words?”
– Lazy.
5 Stages of Girl Scout Cookie Season:
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. 436 boxes of Thin Mints
My boss want to sign us up for a 401k. No way I’m running that far.
Cop: How much have you had to drink?
Me: 24 glasses of milk
Cop: Milk? Why were you driving so erratically?
Me: I was hoping I’d get pulled over so I could brag
If anyone needs to hear a list of chores you need to complete today before you even open your eyes…
My wife is available.
I’m currently number 43 in a queue on the phone.
Please, your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
Ffs
[first day as a pilot]
Me: we’re about to hit some mild turbulence and then a mountain
Fun fact: Snakes don’t exist. They were made up by scientists in 1923 as a joke that went too far so they just kinda rolled with it
Go ahead and share your political views at this office party. We’re all friends here.
– alcohol
[at a chemistry convention]
Him: “You’re so-dium cute, but are you always this salty?”
Me: “Na, not always. Just periodically.”
As a baby I took my son Caden to the park. Other kids there were Aiden Jayden Brayden & Ben. The parents that named Ben should get an award.
trying to cheat on my philosophy final by texting my friend who took it last year: “hey man, how ought one to live”
Every Father’s Day I think about the time I jokingly asked my 4 year-old daughter if she was going to get me a “World’s Best Dad” mug. “Nope,” she said gravely. “I haven’t met all the dads in the world.”
Me when I’m high: I’ll take seven burritos.
Me when I’m not high: I’ll take seven burritos.
the cat just jumped in through the window, saunted right through the living room and STOOD ON MY BANANA SANDWICH FOR FIVE SECONDS WITH HIS DIRTY FEET WHILE SCREAMING AT ME FOR BEING LATE WITH HIS LUNCH FOR GODS SAKE
[to girl i just brought home] watch your step, i was playing with my legos earlier
in canada if you pat your pockets to show a hobo that you have no change and he hears your keys jingle, you have to give him your house.
My sports-obsessed ex-wife didn’t ask me for a divorce. She told me she was trading me for a player to be named later.