Husband: Let’s talk about it when we’re not tired and cranky.
Me: So, in like 18 years?
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Homeschooling is going great. My son is on track to receive his Diploma in Video Games ahead of schedule.
Everyone’s a gangster until the grocery store switches their aisles around.
My last name is Zilla.
Pizza delivery guy just rang my doorbell & I didn’t order pizza. Told him he had wrong house, one of the hardest things I’ve ever done.
Nice try, NASA
I went to the Army Surplus store and they didn’t have a single extra soldier for sale. Come on. False advertising much? Old Navy can take a flying leap too.
i hate when my iPhone corrects “omw” to “On my way!” bro i am not that excited
Me: I love fresh bed linen
Doctor: OK, but maybe stop eating it?
I haven’t watched or read any news in two days, and at this point I’m just wondering why people waste money on sex and drugs to feel high.
My 3 moods:
1. I’m too tired for this shit
2. I’m too old for this shit
3. I’m too sober for this shit
Who needs clocks when my dog’s digestive system can nail time with pinpoint accuracy
So bored I just logged into my LinkedIn account.
[last meal on death row]
“Pepper?”
*nods*
“Say when”
*winks to camera*
Nothing says you’re failing as an Asian like your waiter discreetly handing you training chopsticks.
[Wendy’s]
Me: *confidently walking up to the counter after they got my order wrong* i’d like to speak to wendy
Why did the skeleton go to the barbecue?
To get another rib.
[on honeymoon in Paris]
Her: Look, there’s the Eiffel Tower
Me: Wait, I thought you said you’d never been to Paris before?
By allowing my children to play their music & video games loudly, I’m able to get candy out of its wrapper into my mouth unseen.
Is it possible to be TOO moisturized, I wonder as I slide off the sofa, out the door, and into oncoming traffic.
If I had a time machine I would simply go back to the late 90s & tell teenage me that Ticketmaster is never going to get any better & to temper my expectations.
Me: *upon exiting the womb* you’ll be hearing from my lawyer
I followed you because you’re hot
-Mosquitoes
[robbing a bank]
I would like to withdraw everything (narrows eyes) illegally
Welp, ’tis officially the season when the evil things come out. I’m talking, of course, about candy corn.
[lost at sea]
Me: *sees giant shark* yeah, we’re gonna –Movie nerd: NEED A BIGGER BOAT?!
Me: – die.
The only problem with the free bread they serve to your table at restaurants is that they don’t do it everywhere else. I want to be served focaccia while I’m getting my car fixed. I want my doctor to offer me a baguette and olive oil while she’s checking my blood pressure.
What the hell is going on in that bathroom?
News: Hillary won the debate!
My friends: Bernie won the debate!
Trump: I won the debate!
Huckabee: Asian people eat dogs!
You might want to read all of my tweets… so that when the movie comes out you can be all pompous and say the timeline was better.
Judge: So, you maintain that he took advantage of you?
Her: Yes Your Honor!
Judge: When did you realize this?
Her: When his check bounced