Husband: Let’s talk about it when we’re not tired and cranky.
Me: So, in like 18 years?
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[Bunch of 6 year olds knock on my door]
“TRICK OR TREAT!”
You kids are in for a real treat…
*slips each of them a copy of my demo tape*
Teacher: Ok, which of you stole the thesaurus?
Student: Not me
Student: Not me
Student: Nay myself
Student: Not me
*feels the wind in my toe hair
him: omg i love these *leans in* Alexa, what day is it?
still him: oh dude, that’s my bong
love the HBO account having a prewritten response to “god damn no one can see shit on your show it’s too dark” comments
*sees a spider*
I’m going to kill him
*turn around to get a shoe*
*turns back around and spider has 8 shoes*
Alright, let’s be cool here
I have a huge gash in my forehead. I’m going to assume I got up in the middle of the night, fought some crime, and went back to bed.
I can relate to Alice in Wonderland. She just keeps randomly eating and drinking with the hope that it might magically solve her problems.
Worst reasons to wake up to a strange voice at 3am:
1. home intruder
2. haunting
3. bluetooth speaker lady complaining she wants more power
“Why won’t you loan a neighbor a cup of sugar?”
[ sigh ] “You’re a pile of ants wearing a bathrobe.”
[ bathrobe sags dejectedly ]
Microsoft Developer: We’ll call it “Excel!”
Manager: Great! What will it do?
Developer: The opposite of that.
Sometimes I think my toddlers are smart
Other times they throw tantrums because they get their fingers stuck
In their other hand
Eat food with the fridge open in front of the other food to establish dominance as well as prepare for the next feeding.
You’re like a gym membership.
You seem like a good idea but I’ll lose interest in a month.
This baby at McDonalds may have started the screaming competition, but I guarantee I’m going to win it.
Good one computer geniuses, you made everything “user friendly” and “intuitive” and now idiots are on the internet commenting on everything.
Practice self-care like a mummy, wrap your body tightly with a blanket & put an ancient curse onto anyone who disturbs you.
[Romeo below the balcony in 2022]
“I brought chicken”
my fitness device congratulated me on “playing ice hockey” and told me i burned 300 calories over the past 20 minutes.
i was eating a Wendy’s baconator.
I used a maternity leave to grow out my bangs.
And that is why she will always be my favourite child.
Sir, I cannot take you seriously. You’re wearing capris. Capris. CAPRIS.
Good job with the heavy sighs, guy behind me, that should definitely help speed up the line.
Piss someone off by calling their dojo a karate store.
[therapy]
“Where does your fear of spiders come from?”
*flashback to Spider-Man trying to kiss me behind Applebees*
They’re just creepy okay
i hear the new batman movie is so long because there’s a scene where bruce wayne withdraws the entirety of his bank account but he asks for it all in ones and then counts it all while facing the camera
This can never not be funny 😭😭
Wife: cuddle?
Me: ok
Wife: I mean with me
Me: *with my teddy bear* right
Took my dog to the vet this morning. There was a dog named “snot.” Wtf is wrong with people! 😡
“Last call for flight 254”
[Runs to gate]
“You barely made it”
[out of breath] This isnt my flight. I just wanted to tell you I’m a vegan
*robs neighbor’s chicken coop*
*serves poached eggs*