Husband: “Lost my keys again.”
Wife: “It’s in your Jeans.”
Husband: “Come on, Why do you have to Drag my family into this!”
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People need to wake up and accept that Batman regularly commits tax fraud
[Spelling bee]
Judge: Your word is ‘Invulnerable’.
Me: “I-N-V-U-“
Judge: I am pretty awesome.
me trying to fit into my pre pandemic jeans
Why does every dog run the moment you ask “what’s in your mouth”
Kid next door asked if I could help him with his math homework, I said sure kid right after we play hide and seek, I’ll hide first.
CW: What’s for lunch; smells good!
Me: Well I made lasagna last night but lost a fingernail in it & haven’t found it yet.
CW:
Me: *smirks*
Netflix and explain what’s happening and who that guy is?
I’m a little sad about my weight gain, but like they say, “suck it up, cup of butter.”
My entire life feels like I’m holding a small, sticky child that isn’t mine.
Just saw a piece of jewelry made in 1982 described as “vintage” so I’ll be laying down the rest of the day
henry VIII found four more women to marry him after he cut his wife’s head off and i can’t get a txt back
You would be amazed how cheap lawn mowers are at Home Depot when you own a pickup truck and a orange apron.
Date: do you wanna come up for coffee?
Me: no thanks. I hate stairs
Date: coffee means sex
Me: how many stairs?
Waiter, Waiter, will my pizza be long?
No sir, it will be round.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
If Twitter really wants to make money, they should let us pay to reduce someone else’s character limit. And take away their vowels.
FamousJerk: Wh t’s h pp n n g??
FamousJerk: H w t f x th s?
FamousJerk: H lp m l n!
Every earthquake is a reminder that you drunk-ate the good granola bars out of the earthquake kit eight years ago and never restocked them.
I somehow ended up with a set of 6 fake candles that work off a remote and the delight of the absolute power to light up the room from the couch was most unexpected.
Her: You have selective hearing. You never hear criticism and only hear things that make you look good.
Me: Thanks, you look good too.
Ghost hunters use special cameras made specifically for taking soulfies.
“Only a good guy with a forest fire can prevent forest fires” – Smokey the NRA Bear
I’m a bad influence on myself.
When I was a kid we didn’t have to come home until the street lights came on, and sometimes our parents shot them out on purpose.
dont freak out but everything is made of chemicals
*skinny dips into black hole
So I’m Calling random stores & saying “Hey It’s Michael, Screw you guys, I quit!”…. There’s got to be a Michael at one of these places…
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of their music but i was not aware they were using it to lure sailors to a watery grave by dashing their ships against the rocky coast of their island
Probably the hardest part about being God is deciding between two equally terrible youth soccer teams that have just prayed to win.
[deciding when to tweet]
Me: *throws grass into the air* Not yet
They named it Galaxy Note because when you take this thing out of your pocket, the entire Galaxy can note that it’s been taken out.
“Bro, you want this pamphlet?”
“Brochure”