Husband out of the room for a minute asked me about something I saw on the news but I didn’t know the answer bc I was listening but I wasn’t like science listening.
You Might Also Like
[When water has one thing in it]
SOCIETY: That’s gross you have to throw it out.[When water has many things in it]
SOCIETY: That’s soup it’s food now.
[stabucks]
barista: can i get a name?me: sure. you look like a Tiffany
barista: no i mean a name for the order
me: oh! we’ll call this “coffee from Tiffany”
*howling & snorting* I don’t know what the big deal is about skipping some medication.
Quick shout-out to @funTweeters. The “aggregators” and “parodies” could learn a thing or two from this account. It’s aggregation done right.
Wife [returns home] have you eaten
Me: have you eatenWife: are you copying me?!
Me: are you copying meWife: I Love You
Me: I already ate
Camping?
No thank you.If I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
How inappropriate is it to ask a stranger to scratch your back? Need to know ten minutes ago.
Today I was seated next to lovely, glowing, first-time pregnant woman, who looked me in the face and told me her child will be a mellow introvert. I let her have the moment.
shout out to anyone that’s used a tube of super glue more than once
GIRL: Spirit, should I have sex with this guy?
ME: *tries to push the ouija pointer to yes but it won’t move* (under breath) grandma, PLEASE
A snow angel, except a floor covered in puppies.
Star Wars spoiler: Ross and Rachel end up together in the end.
Civil War reenactments are a lot like meetings. You do the same thing over and over again while waiting for your turn to die.
Where do you weigh a pie?
Somewhere over the rainbow … weigh a pie…
I think I could be a pretty good boxer as long as the other guy isn’t allowed to hit me.
FINANCIAL TIP: Invest in any store where you see my wife buying shoes.
There used to be 9 planets, just like there used to be 9 members of Wu-Tang, but then ODB died so they had to kick Pluto out of the group.
When I die, I want my decaying carcass to be loaded into a giant slingshot and flung into a rich kids bouncy castle.
A new study says vegetarians
die younger than smokers, on average, so don’t smoke your vegetables…
I just want to be rich enough where I snap my fingers and 7 people fight over who gets to make me my next grilled cheese.
I just saw an article titled “Can We build a Real Jurassic Park?”
DID YOU FORGET WHAT HAPPENED IN THE MOVIE?!
“I need a beer, you want one?”
– me, helping my son with his Legos
Imagine being the kid that got cut from the team on Air Bud because they had to make a roster spot for a golden retriever.
If courage is buying an entire tub of ice cream and immediately throwing out the lid, then yes I am definitely brave.
My doctor had to reschedule our appointment today and I’m not upset but I do feel like I should get a free prescription of my choice
People say you have to study Shakespeare in school, but Shakespeare never studied Shakespeare and look at him. He became Shakespeare.
I need a car. Hiding in people’s trunks and hoping they’re going to Wal-Mart isn’t working out for me.
God grant me the audacity of my 7 year old who lost a tooth this morning and then asked me if the tooth fairy would give her a tenner because she yanked it out herself.
Getting married soon just need a spouse