Husband out of the room for a minute asked me about something I saw on the news but I didn’t know the answer bc I was listening but I wasn’t like science listening.
You Might Also Like
I don’t think a lot of people remember the psychological grip Nutella had on the American psyche in the early 2010s… It became its own governing body at one point
[little old lady struggling to pick up her bag of library books off the floor]
Me: [walking by]
“It’s easier if you lift with your legs.”
<thud>
*shoe lands on sidewalk
*picks up shoe
*sees it’s my size
*looks up
*sees man stuck in tree
*sits
*waits for the other shoe to drop
my body’s saying “let’s go,” but my heart is saying “a pet iguana is a huge responsibility, mark.”
Oh my. I haven’t laughed this hard in a while. Good ol’ Winnipeg. 🤣
My hips? Compulsive liars.
Have kids so they can tell you at 5am that they must dress as a historical figure today, like your wardrobe is full of apparel from the 1800’s.
Boss: ok just bear with me
*I growl and start clawing the air*
B: wtf are you doing
Me: I..You said..
B:first ‘snail mail’ now this..Just go
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is serendipity.
me: can you use it in a sentence.
judge: sure. gary googled the word serendipity.
WIFE: How could you spend our money on this?
ME: *Dressing ducklings in tiny raincoats* They live outside, Karen. They need this.
[Reality TV]
HOST: Welcome to America’s Next Top Psychic! Please, try not to–*One contestant stands up*: I WON!
H: –ruin it.
My neighbors are arguing. So I threw 6 shoes in the dryer. They haven’t said a word since.
For my birthday all I want is for folks to strengthen friendships with old friends cus I’ve lost quite a few in the last few years and that saddens me. Also maybe a Camaro.
“This is all water! Now that was misleading”
-Pedophile who found the fountain of youth.
[quickly jumps into the back of a cab]
ME: How far will this get me? *i hand the driver 14 peanut m&ms with the chocolate sucked off*
[first date]
ME: so which movie do you think will win the oscar
DATE: Get Out
ME: *leaves*
Am I the only one who was a kid in the 80’s that thought I would have more life challenges dealing with quicksand and lava?
hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger! oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
Can anyone recommend a hypnotist? I’m open to suggestion
Stop saying I’m not a nice person, I have a pillow in my trunk.
Your password must include 5 minutes of interpretive dance, 15 excerpts from contemporary fiction and 1 word made up by Shakespeare.
If you don’t tell me I’m on speakerphone then I’m not responsible for your kids learning new words.
Why did we stop at bread bowls? Make the whole kitchen out of bread, you cowards!
My family wanted a Disney experience so I charged them $150 to stand in a line for three hours before taking our daughter to the bathroom.
Don’t “pshhh” me, you stupid bus.
I’m spending my adult life behind bars, or as my spouse likes to call it, married
In first grade when I’d tell my parents what I learned in class and they’d act amazed, I’d think “Shouldn’t you know this shit already?”
Just posted missing flyers of my cheeseburger all around the neighborhood. So far, no cheeseburger. It’s as if people don’t even care.
“Thanks for saving my life” said no toddler ever