Husband said, “If you were really THAT funny you wouldn’t have to always say COME ON, THAT WAS FUNNY.”
So now I have a tombstone to select
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Avoid the horror of watching your children’s nativity this year by using a condom approximately six years before you have to attend.
You find my yoga pants distracting…
…would you like me to take them off?
I still have a toilet paper stash leftover from Y2K.
I miss the days when people thought I was gross for liking cottage cheese. Now you guys are blending it up and eating it with raw Brussels sprouts and mustard? You need to cool it. Right now.
Told my daughter work was tough today and she patted my back and said, “Life isn’t always pickles and peaches,” like some kind of 3rd Grade Confucius.
I, too, am shocked Ted Cruz has had sex. I just assumed his kids were born when he ate after midnight and got wet like in the movie Gremlins
I’m pretty sure my little brother exists only because I got too old to be my mama’s remote control.
Washed the drying rack and now idk where to dry it
[pinned down by sniper fire]
Squad leader: I’m going in. Hughes, lay down some cover for me
Me [putting a blanket on the floor]: you betcha
They say a dog park is a great place to meet guys.
I don’t have a dog, but I walk around with a bag full of poop so I don’t look weird.
Barbies and voodoo dolls are not interchangeable. I know this. My daughter knows this.
My daughter’s enemies? You better believe they know this.
Daughter: I want some of your coffee!!!
Me: Not if you ask like that! Grumpy girls don’t get coffee.
Husband: *from the other room* OH, is that so!?
The best sandwich I ever had was roast beef and brie at the Museum of Natural History cafe. It’s a memory that gets me through the tough sandwiches.
Oh crap, this isn’t what I ordered… who has my foot-long sub?
2019: starts making risotto
2021: almost done but not quite
My dog understands four words: his name, food, outside and Antidisestablishmentarianism.
me: can i buy you a drink?
her: i’m getting married at 5
me: cool so we have 2 hours
Mermaids is much more serious than mermsyphilis.
“Why?” – Socrates and four year-olds
[first day as a detective]
cop: there were no footprints at the crime scene
me: *under breath* birds
In conclusion, members of the board, I’m sorry I brought the wrong USB, & thank you for your feigned interest in my sesame street PowerPoint
lol – getting pizza slice and the guy in front of me (trying to banter with the cashier) is like “you made mine with extra love right” and the cashier very solemnly and Eastern European accentedly said “it’s made with normal amount pepperoni”
I never lock my car. What is someone gonna steal, my thousands of McDonald’s napkins? Perhaps my broken sunglasses? Every water bottle my kids have ever opened and took one sip of? They’d be doing me a favor.
My daughter has fallen in with the wrong crowd at school and likes country music now.
I can walk up to any dog, rub its butt and make a friend. That trick only works about half the time on people.
Nobody discretely coughs blood into a handkerchief while wearing a top hat anymore.
[GF comes home to find our son alone]
Where are you? I said to watch him like a hawk!
ME: [soaring 20m above w/ a beakful of mice] I AM
Just heard my son say to his friend “you’re probably dumber than your own controller” – what kind of child is my Xbox raising?!
imagine breaking a piñata open and a bunch of greek soldiers fall out
Stuck behind a school bus & locked in an intense staring contest w/ a kid at the back. I’m 45 min. off course but I’m not gonna let him win.