Husband said our electricity bills are too high need to cut back
so I asked him to move.
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I find that if I wear my snorkel gear when I go check the mail, the neighbors are far less chatty.
Me: You come highly recommended, LOL
Drug dealer: *stabs me*
Me, at 15: I’m going to change the world!
Me, at 25: I’m going to change the workforce!
Me, at 35: I’m going to change out of my pajamas tomorrow.
I just ate an oatmeal raisin cookie so my kid didn’t have to.
He will be reminded of this sacrifice for many decades.
You look like the type of person who thinks oral is gross, but eats McDonald’s.
6: Mommy, why is that man wearing his baseball cap backwards?
Me: Because he was alive in the 1990s, sweetheart
Perhaps Nicki Minaj just lost a series of bets.
Ugh, I’m starting to regret getting bangs.
“You don’t have bangs.”
Wait, what’s that thing you get when a bat bites you?
“Rabies?”
That’s it
Guys, I’m officially having sex tonight so please don’t disturb me between 9.30 and 9.31
7: what kind of ice cream is this? *Takes a bite*
Me: French Vanilla
7: mmm, you can really taste the Frenches
they should hide prizes in more boxes than just cereal, I’d love to reach into my laundry detergent and find a colour changing spoon
once i’ve learned to lay gigantic eggs and run 50 mph, it’s over for you ostriches.
I just used a recipe to make porridge and the last step was “Leave the house for a while.”
The dogboner /Neil degrasse Tyson situation has been an elaborate ruse all so Michael hale could claim on gawker that he has a girlfriend
Too close to dinner for lunch now. I’ll just have a few fresh veggies and half a bag of potato chips to tide me over.
I love it when companies with names like “Grandmas cookies” have ingredients like Thiamin mononitrate.
I remember waiting for the cookies to cool and licking the bromine off of the spoon. Good times.
Me: I need to pee
Everyone else in the Trojan horse: shh
I was in long distance relationship for eight years with my Mr. before we got married. So, believe me when I tell you, I’ve never missed anyone as much as I miss my cleaning lady.
I was asked to distress some pine furniture, so I told a bookcase that I was going to convert it into firewood.
This might damage our relationship but I don’t use ketchup on fries
[Dracula bites a pig]
Me: 😮 hampire
If money is the root of all evil than my financial situation is proof that I’m the nicest person alive
Just took my 8,647th accidental screenshot of my lock screen while putting my phone in my pocket
I bet the kids in Mrs. Doubtfire were surprised when found out their nanny was famous actor Robin Williams the whole time.
“Does anybody in the car have a heart condition?” I ask as I slide my Smash Mouth CD into the radio.
There’s a sign in this bathroom that asks us not to flush anything but toilet paper down the toilet & now I’m unsure how to proceed.
Hulk Hogan tries to quietly rip his shirt off during a funeral.
i eat one snickers a day to build up immunity in case someone tried to kill me with snickers
Why’d they call it a catapult and not an over the shoulder boulder holder?
When someone asks me why I’m leaving the party early, I say “I’m late for an appointment with my pajamas.”