how come kids always get lice but you never hear about adults getting lice. no workplace ever brings the lice inspection lady in to check the office. no one comes home from work like “sorry honey. tim on the fifth floor gave everyone lice again”
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The bathroom stall at a place like Costco really has no business being out of toilet paper.
IAN: Just how do fleas jump so high?
ME: Your guess is as good as mine
I: I reckon they wear tiny tiny Air Jordans
M: Ok I take that back
One day your kids will come home from school and ask why you spelled their name wrong.
Prosecutor (showing slide): Is this your Yelp review history?
Me: Yes but
Prosecutor: 26 proctologists?
Me: What you have to understand is
Prosecutor: You described this one as “pleasantly judgmental”
Job Counselor: now that you’ve flunked dental school, what’s your plan?
Tooth Fairy: *shrugs* idk, buy em I guess
math teacher: you currently have a 55% in this class and you need at least 60% to pass
me: is there anything i can do to raise my grade?
math teacher: if you do this one assignment, i’ll give you 10% extra credit
me:
math teacher:
me: i don’t- is that going to be enough
Them: if lemonade has real lemons in it, do you think gatorade has actual gators in it?
Me: *drinking poisonade* oh shit
Crabs always look like they’re walking themselves out of an awkward situation.
There are exactly two (2) kinds of names in DnD
1) Ephena Solancae Diuturna of Theviara II
2) Smork Dirtbag
Holiday cards, when you care enough to let friends, family, customers & clients see how your handwriting hasn’t improved since fourth grade.
A picture so sexy my computer just covered my eyes.
I don’t remember my password, so I’ll just start my hundredth new account.
-Everyone’s mom
Me: Our neighbor is such a perv
Wife: Is he staring at our bedroom window again?
Me: *sets down binoculars* Yep
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a guy, on the side of the highway reciting the alphabet backwards and trying to walk a straight line.
It’s wild how many grown adults complain about being in debt. Like, it’s not hard. I have zero debt in my early 30s, all because I’ve worked since I was 16, I don’t spend money on things I don’t need, and my great great grandfather invented doors.
Dear Jesus- please let all my texts go to the correct person- Amen
Me: In my day we all had to watch the same thing, at the same time, on the same screen
My kids: NOOOOO!!!
Today the neighbors are blasting country music from the boom box on the back deck. Tomorrow, they’ll be looking for the boom box that used to be on their back deck.
COP: Where were you the night of the murder?
CROW: I was with a group of friends
COP: What would you call that group?
CROW: …I want a lawyer
[sideline]
QUARTERBACK: I think we should run it. How about you?
COACH: Hmm…pass[huddle]
CENTER: Well?
QUARTERBACK: He refused to answer
If coronavirus isn’t about beer then why do they keep talking about cases of it
Sci-fi is when Benedict Cumberbatch looks like this and fantasy is when Benedict Cumberbatch looks like this
Me, eating catfish: This looks nothing like it did on the menu.
Me: What’s for dinner?
Shawn: Prawns
Shaun: Prauns
Sean: Preans
Those magical three words you’ve been waiting so long to hear. Red, or white?
A toddler will look you dead in the eye and ask you if it’s Christmas soon when Christmas was yesterday
And in that moment, the Ninja Turtles realized that in a way, ALL teenagers are mutants.
“I’m gonna sleep in tomorrow.”
Every child ever: No you’re not.
Me: I’m making home made soup.
H: Nice, what’s in it?
Me: *Reads ingredients from packet.
I work out just enough so I can still chase the ice cream truck.