Husband: *snoring*
Me: [slowly rolls him off the bed with my feet] THUMP
Husband: What the hell?
Me: OMG! Did you feel that earthquake?
You Might Also Like
Most forest fires are started when someone runs with corduroy pants on
Ratatouille (2007) – A terrible chef knowingly allows a rat infestation in his employer’s kitchen to distract from his gross incompetence.
The pizza theorem:
“Pizzas must be circular. They must be cut
into triangles and put into square boxes”-Science
me: *vacuums up ant*
ant: oh no
me: *vacuums up all the food the kids dropped*
ant: oh wait
Why didn’t they just call Thanksgiving ‘The Nightmare Before Christmas’?
You know how you have that ONE hoodie that no matter when or what you’re eating — you ALWAYS spill something on it? It’s cuz you’re a pig.
Me: nice car
Friend: yeah 400 horsepower
Me: that’s like 7000 ducks
Friend: what
Me: what
Jumping or hopping seem to be the only way people are able to get in the shower.
My mother-in-law’s text alert is an entire song. Starting to think my father-in-law’s rage isn’t really from Vietnam.
“Do not look that up on urban dictionary,” is a nice way of saying “ready the eyeball bleach, because I know you’re gonna.”
It’s almost as if they don’t know the first rule of carrying rolls of wrapping paper club is; always be prepared for a sword fight, officer.
I have never bought a snack faster on name alone in my life.
eighth henchman to go after jackie chan: ok well he’s not going to kick EIGHT of us
SCAM ALERT – IMPORTANT
The cat has already been fed.
[Bowling date]
Her: Your shoes are HUGE! Does that mean…
Me: Yes [Whispers seductively] I have an 8 inch toe
I dont know about you guys, but I am amazed Pringles is able to constantly grow the same shaped potato. Science.
Pre-employment drug tests are misleading, I didn’t get to try any of them.
Him: where do you wanna go eat?
Me after dropping big glob of bean dip on my shirt and scraping it off with a chip: someplace fancy
Workplace micro aggression- throwing a staple at someone
workplace macro aggression- throwing the stapler at them
I hate when people refer to some tv shows or snacks as “guilty pleasures.” You shouldn’t feel guilty based on what you’re eating or watching. You should feel guilty all the time.
For Halloween I’m giving out razor blades with candy in them. These kids’ll be shaving away and then BAM – nougat everywhere.
I asked two Uber drivers to pick each other up and am watching them chase each other in circles around my block until they run out of gas.
“Would you rather marry your ex or spend a year in jail?”
Me: Only 12 months to go
*at interview*
Him: What would you say are your strengths?
Me: Words
Him: Can you say more?
Me: More
Him:
Me: I’m also good at directions
HR Manager: “Tis the Season” or not you can’t be drinking rum and eggnog at work
We were begging to be conned. #MrRobot
I’m telling you, stress doesn’t give you grey hair. Even after this awful year I don’t have a single grey
I only have 27 hairs left on my head but none of them are grey
a 3-way standoff between a duck with a laser pointer, a cat with a vacuum cleaner, and a dog with a loaf of bread
You should see the confused look on the produce clerk’s face when I ask where I can find kale and then walk in the opposite direction that they’re pointing to.
My daughter knows what a meth lab is thanks to an episode of The Simpsons.
At least that’s what I had to tell child services just now.