Husband: *snoring*
Me: [slowly rolls him off the bed with my feet] THUMP
Husband: What the hell?
Me: OMG! Did you feel that earthquake?
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I’m not short or particularly thirsty, but thank you.
Me- We are here for some new pants for you. Please go and find a pair that you like and will wear
11- Ok
Me- *Waiting*
11- *Searches entire clothing section, returns and hands me a hat
You wish you had this many chins.
Bad news:
I got so busy drafting tweets, I forgot to pick the kids up at school.Worse news:
I’m a bus driver
Me: trump keeps obfuscating the truth
Wife: i see you learned a new word
Me: i obfuscately did
Wife:
Me: what are we obfuscating for dinner
I hope no one murders you..but if they do, I hope it’s quick and interesting enough to get you on Dateline.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘arrogance’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course I can, don’t be stupid
Boss: I’ve been told one of you is just a robot car in disguise
*everyone stares at me, even Optimus who is drinking oil instead of coffee*
There’s a fire burning in my heart, no wait, it’s acid reflux, carry on.
Mary had a little lamb.. And then she had a very large kebab.
Childless friend: “My kid will NEVER -”
Me: [Dabs her mouth with toilet paper]
Her: What are you doing!?
Me: You just have a little bit of bullshit coming out of your mouth right now.
Don’t mess with me; I’ll throw a semicolon in just to discombobulate you.
If you truly want my undivided attention start to tell me something then say never mind
Just got a lecture about fiscal responsibility from my teenagers about my inflatable hot tub purchase so guess who won’t be allowed in my new inflatable hot tub?
Losers.
I just ran out in front of a deer just to see how they fuckin like it.
“I bought the biggest watermelon in the store!” —The person not cutting up the watermelon.
All the baby books tell you that infants need to eat every 2 to 3 hours, but what they fail to mention is that this behavior continues until the child turns 18 and moves out of your house.
My husband kissed me while I was sleeping before he left for work and I’m not saying I’m not sleeping beauty, but I may have woke up in a panic and elbowed him in the forehead
Me: My neck is a little stiff
Web MD: You’re in rigor mortis
The best detective novels are the ones where the detective is on holiday but then get forced to solve a local murder. We’ve all been in that situation where we just want some peace and quiet but then a holidaying detective shows up and solves the murder we’ve just committed.
Nobody needed expensive gym memberships in the 70s. They had rotary dial phones.
You tell me to get off my high horse? Why dont you tell the damn horse to stop getting high all the time.. His drug problem isn’t my problem
A gentleman always straightens out the vending machine after shaking it.
my teenagers favorite way for me to wake him up is to rip the curtains open and let the bright happy sunshine hit his face. i mean he threatens my life after i do it but secretly deep inside it’s his favorite.
Just saw a Facebook status that said “ironing boards are just surfboards that gave up their dreams and got real jobs” and I laughed out loud… Can’t tell if it’s funny or if I’m just overtired
If God had a sense of humor herpes would glow in the dark.
Stop putting jumpsuits in with the dresses! I don’t want to take off all my clothes to pee!!!
Why isn’t ‘ampersand’ spelled ‘ampers&’?
first date idea we walk around a graveyard and guess how people died