Husband: So we’ve basically given up.
Me: On what?
H: *gestures to 4yo carefully piling spaghetti on his head*: Parenting.
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Pronounces “biochemist” as “beyotch mist”
“Are you sexually ac-” [my doctor looks up at me] [he marks no]
THE INVENTOR OF THE INTERNET: what if I told you that you could communicate with idiots from all over the world
Forgot the word ‘flyswatter’ so I just called it a death spatula
Me, not making eye contact: Oh shit, I’m being weird.
Me, making eye contact: Oh shit, I’m being weird.
This is the goat we had on our business update meeting last week 👀
Me – how about a Border Collie
Wife- they have long hair, too much shedding
Me- *pulling a clump of hair out of the shower drain* so shedding is a issue?
“Never put all your eggs in one basket,” I said to my best friend, boyfriend, business partner, and yoga instructor, Jack.
Stop fingering it and put it in your mouth is not the best choice of words when speaking to your teenager about her dinner..
I know this now
I honestly think we are asking too much of cauliflower.
IF ANYONE EVER ASKS YOU WHAT TIME IT IS PUT ON SHADES AND SAY “ITS SHOWTIME”
one time my grandma used an american express traveller’s check to buy a whole frozen horse
turtleneck: oooh cozy
mock turtleneck: oOoH cOzY
*Batman pulls up to drive-thru*
“Large fries.”
“We’re serving breakfast sir.”
*destroys speaker with batarang*
“And I’m serving justice.”
Someone told me signing my emails with “Best” is passive aggressive so
I’m changing it to “See you in hell’ to eliminate any confusion!! 🤣😏
I went out for a walk and the neighbor kids asked if I could play. Later losers, I have friends now.
why was 6 mad when 7 won her a stuffed elephant? because 7 1 1 4 9 2
I accidentally touched the underside of a public toilet seat with my finger. Well, you had a good run, finger. *chainsaw sound*
[first day as a soldier]
ME: whoa i almost stepped on a land grenadeSARGE: mine
ME: whoa i almost stepped on your land grenade
[Sherwood Forest]
LITTLE JOHN: Go through it one more time for me
ROBIN HOOD: Ok…we rob from the rich…
LITTLE JOHN: Right
ROBIN HOOD: …and we give to the poor
LITTLE JOHN: And then we rob them
ROBIN HOOD: What? No! Why would we do that?
LITTLE JOHN: Cause now they rich.
I use subtitles so if I learn anything interesting I can say “I was reading about” instead of “I saw on an episode of Love is Blind”
Saw a woman on a dating site who says she’s looking for God. I’m thinking she’s not His type.
Me: You sprained your ankle, let’s bandage it up and ice it.
Husband:
*3 hours, one x-ray and $156 later*
Doctor: You sprained your ankle, let’s bandage it up and ice it.
[in the garden]
Me: Go grab the hose
Son: Okay[15 min later]
Son: *walks up with our neighbors*
Karen: Your son said that you needed Diane and I?
Stewardess, the door just blew off the plane. Can I get a blanket?
At this point the angel on my shoulder just mutters “You’ll regret it,” then slowly sips whiskey.
“are you ok?” no i took the cereal bag out of the box and now it won’t fit back in
Her: You secretly think all of your coworkers are morons, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
ON TWITTER FOR TEN MINUTES: aw sweet, there’s so many smart funny people here
ON TWITTER FOR AN HOUR: my life is now dedicated to vengeance on PatriotMike24396857
still thinking about the time my bf told me I was “boring and unoriginal,” and the only thing I could respond with was “no, YOU’RE boring and unoriginal”