I just want to know enough sign language to convince people to stop talking to me
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Pass gas, not judgment.
all the video games my bf plays are like “would you like to Search Beehive?” and he’ll say yes and it’ll be like “you have found: A Bee”
Twitter is fun because you get to be like, “Ducks are good” and someone in your mentions will go, “Um, I’m sorry but my brother is married to a duck scientist and this is a harmful view” and then someone else pops up going, “Your silence about horses is extremely telling”
I went to a club called Innuendos last night. I’m banned but managed to slip in the back doors.
My daddy always said, life is like a tray of nachos, a big hot mess held together by cheese
ME: So. You from around here?
HER: Yes. You’re in my bedroom closet.
If you’ve ever wanted to reconnect with people you haven’t seen in ages, take a quick trip to the grocery store looking like complete shit.
You never see zombies lying around being lazy, so maybe we should EMBRACE the possibility of a zombie apocalypse. I think it could turn some of us into real go-getters.
Vet: We have to put his dog down
Assistant: You tell him
Vet: No, you
Assistant: You!
Vet: YOU!
John Wick: What are you two whispering about?
maybe my uterus is haunted, or maybe there’s an actual shark up there
[family hears me pull in driveway]
wife: please don’t
wrestling announcer: sorry ma’am he already paid me. NOW ENTERING THE HOUSE FROM WORK
When you’re totalitarian but still want people to have choices…
My kid came home from his field trip covered in paint, missing one sock, and carrying two pumpkins and had the nerve to say his field trip was “fine”.
Doctor: That mule really kicked you. I’m afraid there’s some bleeding on the brain
Me: He gave me a bloody knows, LOL
Me: I woke up feeling super happy and confident, this is great! Nothing can go wrong.
Those Shoes That Make My Feet Smell Like Old Cheese: hey girl. wear me.
[David Attenborough watching me when I overslept and have 5 minutes to get ready for work]
Extraordinary.
The lady behind me in line at Target was frustrated I was writing a check, so I got out a feather pen and ink bottle and did it right.
Girl: do you have a condom?
Me: c’mon what’s the worst that could happen
*hears a knock on the door
4: daddy I think I started a fire
Waiter: What dressing would you like on your salad?
Me: Ice cream
Receptionist: “The doctor will see you now.”
Invisible Man: “Finally, a cure!”
Dog: I have to go outside.
Me: Okay.
Dog: I really really need to go outside.
Me: Okay okay I’m coming.
Dog: YOU NEED TO TAKE ME OUT NOW.
Me: OMG I’m right here let’s go.
Dog: Hold on I have to stretch for ten minutes.
Toys R Us went out of business because their mascot was a stupid giraffe when it could’ve been a toy dinosaur called the Toysaurus. It was right there man.
Date – “I really dig intellectuals”
Me – “oh yeah? well check this out babe”
[counts to 17]
It’s always humbling when the dinner I had delivered comes with 2 sets of cutlery
Everyone cried at my wedding. Even the cake was in tiers.
🎶I’m going to wash that man right out of my hair🎶
*tiny little man falls out of my hair with a gentle thud*
Him: Is that a new shampoo?
I’m an independent thinker. The guy on YouTube that I have based my entire life around told me so
i’m teaching my toddler that cauliflower is “frightened broccoli” and there is nothing you can do about it
Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. Why didn’t you text me? I’ll never call you back. Like, ever. You’d have better luck with a telegram.