Husband: Some weirdo broke into the house last night.
Wife: How do you know it was a weirdo?
Husband: They stole all my Bruno Mars drawings.
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ME:John’s coming over for dinner.
WIFE:Work John or Been to Europe John?
JOHN:*from outside* This door reminds me of one I saw in England.
The glittery vampire from Twilight is putting out an album.
In other news, real musicians continue to play for coins in the subway.
Hurricane Facebook Events are back y’all
*Sees someone tying a yellow ribbon around a tree*
Me: Oh dang, Groot knows karate
having twitter is just like reading the newspaper except the newspaper is on fire and all the writers hate you
This dude is ready for anything you could possibly throw his way. He definitely always understands the assignment.
Always.
you ever stop and think to yourself, “why am I reading the Wikipedia page for Whale Oil?”
a BIG dipper ? in this astronomy ?
When I say “I’m going to bathroom brb”, my dogs hear “gather up, it’s showtime!”
Alcohol is a misunderstood vitamin.
There’s a 92-year-old winning on Wheel of Fortune. When I’m 92, I’ll be happy if I still remember the letters of the alphabet.
Just shattered the neighbour’s window trying to separate two frozen burger patties with a butter knife.
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: is this the man who robbed u
*holds up picture of himself*
ME: yes
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: give me ur wallet
ME: dang it
If you go to an animal shelter and ask for a cat, they get really upset if you play them like a guitar and scream ROCK YOU LIKE A FURRICANE.
“If you want to lose weight eat in front of a mirror, nude”. Tried it. All I saw was a happy naked woman eating cheese.
I will cook for you
-me, threatening
The worst part of Aquaman’s day is when he has to kill time on land for half an hour after eating a meal.
Cop: anything in your pockets I should be aware of?
Me: I don’t think so
Cop: *pulls out egg*
Me: what lol
Cop: *pulls out another egg*
Me: wait how are you doing that?
Cop: *pulls out third egg*
Me: ok mister
Cop: *pulls out egg carton*
Me: what a fun time we’re having
judge: your click bait articles have been deemed fraudulent. How do you plead?
me: I’m innocent and you won’t believe why! click here
If I were a Scooby Doo villain, I’d take the whole thing to court. How hard can it be to overturn the testimony of 4 kids who talk to a dog?
A brightly-colored van drives slowly down our street. Kids gather excitedly. It is the Edible Arrangements truck. We are all betrayed.
Any sink has a garbage disposal if you push hard enough.
*stares into distance*
Distance: Please stop staring. It’s rude.
My rum-raisin cake is gluten free. It’s also raisin free. And cake free. OK it’s just rum.
autocorrect: Dan!
me: No no, autocorrect, this is my DAD, we know him.
autocorrect: *growling* Dan.
me: *spritzing my phone with water* NO
My wife just suggested that we change into something more comfortable, so you know what that means.
Spaghetti night. It’s spaghetti night.
keep reaching for the stars, kid:
Most of you didn’t even question if turtles would make great ninjas. You just believed it. I should’ve known then we’d end up where we are.
Netflix, stop making me wait 15 seconds between episodes. I can’t click because I’m eating cereal and a sandwich.
I don’t understand interventions.
What’s the point of being told I drink too much by a room full of the reasons I drink in the first place?