Husband: Some weirdo broke into the house last night.
Wife: How do you know it was a weirdo?
Husband: They stole all my Bruno Mars drawings.
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We should be able to pick our zodiac sign, like choosing your piece in Monopoly: “Nope I’m not playing today unless I can be the crab or the lion”
flight attendant: sir, you can’t bring that cow manure on the plane
me: THIS IS BULLSHIT!
An eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth. But a tooth is worth half an eye, so an eye for two teeth also works, if you’re out of eyes.
I like to sleep naked. I don’t understand why airlines have a problem with this.
“PARKOUR!” – me, after tripping over nothing on the sidewalk
Hey y’all, I finally got a smart phone. I’m a big girl now!
Anyone got a 5 year old I can borrow to teach me how to use the damn thing?
i trust babies a lot because i can throw them pretty far
Telling jokes on Twitter makes you a Comedian… The same way skinny jeans make you skinny…
The nurse said take everything off except bra and panties, but all I have under my dress is a tampon string I wish I could pull to parachute right outta here
Dentist: *gives me numbing shot before my 7th root canal* I’ll be back with-
Me: Yes, I know…the drill.
No one is more shocked that I brought my cat to a baseball game than my cat.
Donner? Party of 87? Your table is ready.
Marriage is just your spouse perpetually standing in front of the kitchen drawer or cabinet you need to open.
Sure, you women *say* you don’t need men anymore. But just wait until we start packaging tampons in tightly sealed jars.
I can’t believe how many women ignore their check engine light.
*ignores high blood pressure*
It’s the shortest day. Mind your head.
Just got a job opening demanding 13-18 yrs of experience in iOS development.
Do they realize that the platform itself is 8 years old?
Because I was late to the cannibal feast, they gave me the cold shoulder.
Two certain individuals today proclaimed me the worst mom ever because I took them to the dentist.
I FORCED THEM TO HAVE TEETH. Like, OMG.
the hulk is green because he’s not ripe yet
The Hulk just texted me a picture of a zucchini, I think?
*wife shakes me awake in the middle of the night*
me: w-what happened
wife: you were talking in your sleep. kept muttering goth this and goth that
me: like what, specifically
wife: like death is goth life and blackberries are goth raspberries
me:[taking notes] oh these are good
I once taught an 8 am college class. So many grandparents died that semester. I then moved my class to 3 pm. No more deaths. And that, my friends, is how I save lives.
My kids brought me breakfast in bed, then proceeded to eat MY breakfast. If that doesn’t sum up motherhood I don’t know what does.
My life coach refuses to tell me which motivational quote will protect me from corona virus 😡
Enrique:I can be your hero baby
Me:I’m good
E:I can kiss away your pain
Me:Nah
E:You can take my breath away
Me: *smothers him with pillow
[finally rich enough to go to a tailor]
“How can I help you sir?”
One clothes please!
Hate it when we run out of clean towels so I have to ride my white stallion Gregory up and down the driveway real fast to dry my mullet
Scene in Dirty Dancing where Patrick Swayze lifts her in the air, only I drop you because there is a line beginning to form at the buffet.
Just said “No you can’t have an apple because you’ll spoil the pizza that’s being delivered very soon.”
I shouldn’t be allowed to parent.