Husband: “They say humans are not meant to multitask.”
Me: *cooking dinner while holding toddler while signing permission slip with foot while shooting lasers from eyes at him* “You don’t say.”
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Alcohol is the leading cause of me getting yelled at for being a pterodactyl on the coffee table.
Sunday
That show “Catfish” should just be called “People Who Have Never Heard of Google.”
A kid in the park informed me smoking was bad for you.
So I popped his balloon with my cigarette & told him so was talking to strangers.
[I find a mysterious note in kitchen]
“LEAF 1 MILLLION UNMARKD DOG TREETS N BAKYARD BY SONDOWN OR WE RELEASH PICHURES OF U PETTIN A CAT”
no one ever talks about the cheerful reaper.
“i’m really more of a dog person.” — werewolf
Friend: My in-laws have been married for 57 years today.
Me: Gross.
I can do this parenting thing with 2 hands tied behind my back!
because they’re holding me hostage
My wife gets upset because I like to talk during sex. Last night she hung up the phone on me.
”Can’t touch this.”
“Can’t touch this.”
“Can’t touch this.”
–MC Hammer giving a Museum tour
[on the phone with an ex while violently twisting and stabbing a voodoo doll]
Are you sure you’re ok?
It was all over when he said, “It must have been an obstacle illusion.”
[stranded on a desert island]
*plane flies over head and drops a letter*
Me: omg I’m going to be rescued!
*opens letter*
we’re just reaching out to you about your car’s extended warrantyMe: Sonofa-
Rock bottom implies the existence of paper bottom and scissors bottom.
Once nice thing about working from home? I can be asleep in bed, realize I have a meeting in three minutes, and be dressed and in front of my computer two and a half minutes later. Still drunk, mind you, but dressed.
Doctor: Have you noticed any differences since you’ve started the medication?
Me:…I rap a lot less.
*writing suicide letter
Goodbye cruel world. Your going to really miss me when I’m gone…
Cat: *you’re
WHAT DO WE WANT?
RACE CAR NOISES!!!
WHEN DO WE WANT THEM??
NEEEEEEOOOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW
Since wine is made from grapes its technically accurate to say I did a fruit juice cleanse for New Years Eve.
Breaking news:
Trust me, your laptop is dishwasher safe
Just spent 5 minutes waving my hands in front of a manual paper towel dispenser if anyone needs someone to take their SAT exam for them.
Me: I love my eyes
Shampoo: *cracks knuckles*
I’m having problems with favstar. Can all of you trophy me to see if it’s working right now? Thanks.
Killing an albatross won’t bring bad luck to sailors, but that is exactly the sort of thing an albatross would go around telling people.
*warming hands near fire* In my day, we were tough. It would take you so long to get undressed after coming indoors that it was time to go out again. People lost hours, days. Some died mid-layer.
reading Agatha Christie has ruined me for all other books. there are no murders in the first chapter? a child isn’t offed at a Hallowe’en party? nobody falls in love on a train? rewrite this please
Freezing cake does not impede eating.
Stiff calories are still delicious.
every nextdoor post is like “i saw a car drive by my house without asking my permission first. do i call the fbi or the national guard?”