Husband: UGH that kid is JUST LIKE YOU.
Me: Wonderful?
H:
M: Charming?
H:
M: Light of your life?
H: [leaves room]
Me: [shouts] SUPER COOL?
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paul mccartney: all the lonely people, where do they all come from? all the lonely people, where do they all belong?
[from back of the room]: twitter
I slept like a log last night.
A badger pissed on me.
My husband had to sign a form stating he understands his mother’s cremation is nonreversible. I weep for our species.
So many mixed messages in the media. Titanic tells us “never let go.” Frozen says “let it go.” Smdh
Wind In The Willows: Choosing Nicknames:
Ratty: I’ll be The Ratster!
Toad: I’ll be The Toadster!
Mole: I’ll be The Molest… I’ll be Moley.
Me: *leaning into him* I wanna do things to you that are illegal in 50 states
Him: yeah?
*steals his car*
I’ve been waxing my car for twenty years and I still don’t know karate.
The date abruptly ended when an argument over who’s the hottest Disney princess spiralled out of control.
Midwife [handing my baby]: make sure you support his head
Me: that’s a really great, floppy little head you’ve got there. Well done
Game Show Host: if you were stranded on an island with no people, what–
Me: omg yes
Angry drunks make no sense to me, I can only get upset when I’m not drinking.
What’s the craziest thing you’ve done for money?
I’ll go first: I went to college.
I’m sorry I hosed off your toddler as he walked by my house but I can’t afford to get sick right now.
me: how was your camping trip
5 y/o: good
me: what’d you guys do
5 y/o: camped
The secret to success is to surround yourself with people that don’t know you.
Asking men how many wheels their trucks have and scoffing, regardless of the answer.
so disappointed after seeing this photo & realizing that’s a third llama in the back & not the arm of the right llama ringing a little bell
My son got me some very expensive cologne for Father’s Day. I know it was very expensive because he used my credit card.
Me: My head hasn’t been in the right place lately.
GF: You might want to check up your ass.
Confusing prank: Obtain a grizzly bear, name it Love then call 911 and say that Love is tearing you apart
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
I can’t grow flowers for shit but my old neglected potatoes in a grocery bag in the basement just grew legs and marched up here
Poop your pants one time and suddenly you’re banned from the MacDonalds ball pit
My right eye has been twitching for over a week! Know what that means, someone’s been thinking of me so much they’re giving me a stroke!
May your day taste like creamy soup.
I just don’t understand people who see Tesla hit pedestrians, blow up, and malfunction constantly and are like “yes please Mr. Musk I want to drive one underwater”
True friends know where you keep the blank check for your bail.
In Texas you’re allowed to shoot someone just for being on your property. Man if I lived there I’d host sooo many parties
Saw someone simultaneously walking while writing on a pad of paper.
I yelled at them to text and drive like a normal person.
i think both sides are to blame here