Husband: UGH that kid is JUST LIKE YOU.
Me: Wonderful?
H:
M: Charming?
H:
M: Light of your life?
H: [leaves room]
Me: [shouts] SUPER COOL?
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Photosynthesis is the process used by plants to convert a picture into a thousand words
People who jump right out of bed at 5 AM and turn on every light in the house, who hurt you?
waiter: any questions?
me: did courtney kill kurt??
him: uh, about the menu?
me: LOL i seriously doubt she killed him about the menu
One time, my dad accidentally made himself a sandwich with catfood. He thought it was liverwurst. When I asked him what he thought the cat on the packaging was all about, he said “I thought that was for decoration“
When I’m elected Pope, pants will be optional.
(at least for me)
(and that won’t really be a change from what I do now)
Waiter: Did you save room for dessert?
Me: Not really, I’m stuffed
Waiter: Ok, I’ll bring the check
Me: I’ll have the chocolate cake.
It looks like our local Walgreens is dressing up as Christmas for Halloween.
[Deleting all work emails]
THESE DON’T BRING ME JOY!
The older I get, the more excited I become about the possibility of getting a motorized scooter.
[ funeral ]
me: *whispering* i never know what to do w my hands
her: *also whispering* well you can definitely stop clapping
[at funeral]
FRIEND: I’m sorry for your loss
ME: Thanks, I would have won our fantasy league if my QB didn’t get injured
FRIEND: I meant for your wife
ME: It’s ok, now she’ll never know I lost
If a little light yodeling doesn’t solve all your problems, then I don’t know what to tell yoooo-dooleeOoou.
One way to handle social anxiety is to pretend you are a ghost & people are staring at you because they have a gift they never asked for
I saw a woman really screaming at her kids in public this morning, but in her defense, the kids were ugly.
Life hack: Asking fellow party guests about their last colonoscopy can be an effective way to avoid future social commitments.
Word of advice.
If you forget to put on deodorant, sneaking into the walk-in freezer at work and holding your shirt up doesn’t solve the problem.
Also that creepy coworker will get even more creepier if you forget to close the door behind you.
If your store sells carpet and tile and you’re not advertising a July Floor-th sale then what are you even doing?
*me looking at a police lineup*
Number 3 is cute. OMG Is he single? Give him my number! What? Oh. Right. Five. Number 5 killed my grandpa.
i shouldn’t have written “never change” in all those boys’ yearbooks in high school, seems like some of them took my advice
cat 911: hello
cat: i need to report a murder
cat 911: kevin, is this you again
cat: yes
cat 911: what did we tell you kevin
cat: [long pause] that my food bowl being 1/3 empty is not a murder
In the 2020 Little Mermaid, Ariel decides to stay underwater.
Me: This is a beautiful flower arrangement
Host: That’s a salad.
Terribly Tuesday.
Sorry I flinched when you told me you loved me. I’ve been practicing my poker face. Can we try again?
Ran into the librarian I’ve been trying to impress in the Target book section and awkwardly blurted out “I’m just here to buy a TV,” which was way worse of course.
me: just tell me what to do
universe: *gives me a clear sign*
me: well that could be for anybody
velma: this man has been dressing up as a ghost and haunting the amusement park at night
judge: look, that’s really weird but you were still trespassing on his property
I like to think Jesus rose after, like, 20 minutes, but then had to spend 3 days trying to move the rock from the cave.
There’s no such thing as “fair trade” honey. Those bees are gettin’ screwed.
[boss finds pics of me snowboarding]
“You missed work bc you said you were sick…& judging from these pics, YOU WERENT LYING”
*fist bump*