*Husband using Ouija board after I’ve died*
Please answer me
*arrow moves*
“It’s on the top shelf. Right there. RIGHT THERE! Use your eyes!”
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“i am a sweet baby”
me: how bout a show like greys anatomy but at an animal hospital
producer: they’re all vets?
me shaking head no: they’re all animals
[Jack Black’s birthday]
Oh wow..ANOTHER rock polisher, thanks grandma.
“How is Rock School going dear?”
It’s School of ro- *sigh* nevermind.
My favorite exchange on Twitter today.
Not fat, but not super thin either. I’m more like…what’s the word? Oh, I know. Terrifying.
1) Jumped out of bed
2) Cooked breakfast
3) Ran 6 miles
4) Worked out
5) Started lying compulsively
If dinosaurs were still alive, people would do a lot more running.
If you’re head of the CIA and can’t hide an extramarital affair it means it can’t
be done. Case closed, fellas.
Fair warning. If you schedule your child’s birthday party before 11am, they will receive a book about where babies come from.
The first rule of Tall Girl Club is we must introduce ourselves by telling eachother where we were able to find pants
I was going to learn to play the violin, but it was too much of a commitment.
I wanted something with no strings attached.
I’m pretty sure the coupon I gave you for a $7 haircut suggests that I’m not interested in that $44 bottle of shampoo, but thank you.
When someone says they’ve been married for 20 beautiful years, I like to ask them “so how many years total?”
When I withdrew cash from the ATM, it asked what denominations I wanted so I chose Baptist, Methodist and Presbyterian.
Recipes in your 40s should be like, the first thing you’re going to want to do with the frozen bag of peas is ice your knees.
If I was a piece of candy, I’d be Double Bubble gum. Too hard and sharp at first, a fleeting moment of wonderful sweetness and then a long period of tasteless inconvenience.
Be warned, person who set of a whole bunch of fireworks at 4 am–you’ve made a minimally powerful enemy.
how to achieve the perfect smokey eye: apply eyeliner yesterday
Me: Do you like my novel?
Publisher: it’s a tree
Me: I told you it was in the early stages
Date: “So, what do you want to be?”
Me: “Impressed.”
3.
The number of times you can flip a grilled cheese sandwich before you notice that you have the pan on the wrong burner…cuz of Twitter.
You follow me.
I follow you.
You unfollow me.
I unfollow you.
You follow me.
I follow you.
You unfollow me.
I block you.“A Game of Phones”
I can’t grow a hair on my head but overnight I can grow a four inch long single eyebrow hair
GRANDPA: I have shrapnel stuck in my head from World War II
ME: I’ve had that Chumbawamba song stuck in my head since 1997 so I feel ya
I lost my thumb in a serious movie rating accident.
[ cookout ]
Me: OMG this ketchup is amazing!
Host: yea yea we all know you brought the ketchup
I like for my resolutions to be attainable so this year I resolve that I will neither become the pope nor will I become a cannibal.
me: truth or dare
government: truth
me: is Wyoming real
government: dare
Wife: ” What’d you do today?”
Me: “Tell me what you think I did.”