[3am – a knock on the door]
me: jfc do u know what time it is?
salesman: *pulls out a box* cheesecake time
me: *considers intensely* come in
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[on honeymoon in Paris]
Her: Look, there’s the Eiffel Tower
Me: Wait, I thought you said you’d never been to Paris before?
the first episode of house of the dragon focusses on the dragon applying for a mortgage
My friends made fun of me for buying this flamethrower, but at least I don’t have to shovel snow this weekend.
*distant Yogizilla noises getting louder*
“NO YOU’RE DRUNK,” she says playfully into the mirror, then promptly resumes disappointing her boyfriend’s mom at family dinner.
A loaf of bread where the first three slices are just previews of the blockbuster bread products coming out next summer.
Apparently those velvet ropes next to bouncers are not an invitation to limbo.
Homeschooling isn’t going great but at least my son has learned the skill of hiding in the bathroom in case he has kids one day
If babies named Todd don’t call themselves “The Toddler” then what’s the point of having a douchebag baby name like Todd?
Ron Swanson with nurse:
Is there a history of mental health disorders in your family?
“I have an uncle who does yoga”
I leave my vacuum in the middle of the floor at all times so when I have unexpected company I can say I was just about to clean my house.
Picked my son up after his second day of kindergarten computer class. He said he just watched Wild Kratts because he learned everything about computers in the first class. “I’m an expert. I can do your job now,” he said. To his credit, that was Monday & my boss hasn’t noticed.
Me: If you want to be a Jedi, you have to follow strict rules.
Rey: Like what?
Me: Don’t hook up with anyone. They might be related.
I ironed my dress this morning while I was wearing it. So, yes Mensa, I will join your club.
Told a couple of jokes at a Zoom meeting. Turns out I’m not even remotely funny.
It’s been a rough few years, but it looks like things are finally getting worse
Having kids has taught me that their ears are for decorative purposes only.
Sister: You need more friends
Me: *phone vibrates* I have plenty of friends. In fact one just texted me
Text: Carol has put your pizza in the oven
Me: Haha that is classic Carol
Tired of not knowing if I should swipe my credit card, insert the chip or punch myself in the face.
The guy who answered my call ended it with “Bye, I love you” then immediately called back to apologize.
I told him too late, he’s my boyfriend now.
A guy on a scooter just yelled at me for being on my phone at a red light so I yelled at him for being on a scooter
How many times should you try starting your snowblower before you realize it’s not going to start? According to my neighbor it’s 458 times.
I just got excited opening a new pack of socks. Being an adult is stupid
Toasters must work on some exponential scale. Two minutes barely toasted. Ten more seconds burned beyond recognition.
$3 #books
Me: [uses “yeet” in a sentence]
14: “mom. No one says yeet.”
Me: “Yeet is cringe?”
14: “MOM NO ONE SAYS CRINGE”
Me: “cringe has been yeeted?”[The glare was EPIC]
Them: you smell so good what is that?
Me: bleach
No thanks, free health assessment. I don’t want to know what I’m doing to my body
Reasonable mental health and a good relationship with his mother? I can’t work under these conditions