Husband: We need to cut back on spending for January. Just stick to the necessities, you know?
Me: *placing an order for snow boots for the dogs* absolutely
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[in hell]
me: *sad* why am I here?
satan: you’re a murderer
me: what? no I’m not
satan: oh no? *rolls footage of my 3rd grade dance recital* you absolutely SLAYED, guuuuuuurl
me: *blushing* aww
“You have such a great personality”
Me: Thanks, I collect them.
passport control: you don’t look anything like your picture
incredible hulk: THE FLIGHT WAS DELAYED
COP: Give back the money you stole
ME: Already spent it
COP: On what?
ME: Karate lessons which [does vague swishes w/ hand] I did not attend
Karen mislaid her phone and called a cafe we were at this morning to see if she’d maybe left it there.
Conversation on the other end of the line:
Person a: Have we had a phone handed in?
Person b: What, a mobile?No mate, a landline 🙄
Runner: What’s your fastest race?
Me: Taking the trash out at night
Her: Are you a dog person or a cat person?
Me: …
H: …
M: …
H: Why are you hesitating?
M: I’m not sure which answer will get me laid.
I’m so talented I can not only spill food on my clothes but I can get it on yours too.
My kid just ended a call with his teacher by saying “this call has been going on a bit too long bye” and honestly, goals.
me wanting to be loved vs. the mortifying ordeal of being known
°pulls up to drive-thru°
[ME] ONE NUMBER 4 WITH A COKE
[FREIND] aren’t you on a diet
[ME] oh yeah..AND A BOOK ABOUT MANNERS FOR MY FRIEND
the “i feel like things can’t get any worse” to “oh i see” pipeline
[looking at flocks of squawking crows]
We have to stop these senseless murders
Hey girl, you smell like you’re going to give me the wrong number.
if u wanna date me all u gotta do is ask and i’ll say no
forged some of the most powerful bonds of my entire life on the beach like this
My therapist: And how are you doing this week?
Me: Oh. I’m good. Great. Things are great. How are you?
Everything was great until I opened my mouth.
– An autobiography
Her: I like long walks on the beach.
Me: Is there WiFi?
Her: Where?
Me: The beach.
Her: What?…No.
Me: We should see other people.
Sorry I’m late to the zoom meeting, my toddler insisted I diaper her unicorn and the tail kept getting in the way
She said “you look like trouble”…so I nudged her down the stairs, because I don’t like people falling short of their expectations.
[party city]
employee: you don’t work here—why are you taking an inventory of these cardboard cutouts of sherlock?
me: I’ve got stock holmes syndrome
i am going as a ‘credit card’ to this halloween party, cause i plan on being used irresponsibly.
Q-tips specifically say NOT to put them in your ears yet that’s the only reason we buy them. We are not a species built for survival
A rap battle but it’s just Keanu Reeves saying “Whoa” versus Owen Wilson saying “Wow.”
If you were a tree you’d be a bonsai, and if you were mine you’d be dead by now.
In Scotland we don’t like our revenge as a dish served cold, we like it deep fried.
It’s all fun and games until you swallow the keys to the handcuffs.
Watermelon is the perfect drink when you’re thirsty, but want to chew it.