Husband: We should go to Costco.
Me [still in pajamas]: So I should change?
H: I said Costco, not Walmart.
Me:*puts on nicer pajamas*
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It’s fine when Santa does it, but when I see you when you’re sleeping & know when you’re awake it’s “creepy” and “sir, you’re under arrest”
If your kids are getting on your nerves you can take them sledding and watch them face plant into the snow for a sense of justice.
Look, I don’t have kids, and I’m not a lawyer, but if YOU have kids and could start up a Baby Fight Club and video the results, I really think it would help bring this country together.
My wife agreed to a water birth, so I’m setting up a slip’n slide in the front yard right now. I’m gonna wait at the end & catch him.
M: what’s this about, 007?
James Bond: he’s plotting revolution, ma’am
M: are you sure?
JB: he’s happy to confess, ask him
M: *turning to the suspect* what do you have to say for yourself?
pigeon: coo
M: my god man, you’re right!
The 80’s called and they want you to stop saying they called.
It’s like the pottery scene from Ghost, except it’s you, standing behind me, helping me use a Tide Pen on my food stains.
“I’m not a big horse person”
– a lying centaur
Ed [laughing]: what do you call a fish with no eye?
Stede, without looking up: Myxine Circifrons
Ed:
Ed: fsh
Why aren’t there more Christmas songs about revenge?
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over.
BLANKET: You were cold?
I put the whiskey in another room …
Exercise regimen established.
As your goth personal trainer, I urge you to stay in shape so that you can outrun your haunted past.
pal: what’s your favorite band
me: idk probably rubber
Me:Thank you, he’s so hot I don’t even know what I want to do first…Grandma: (interrupting) Okay, can someone else say the prayer please?
OH AND JUST FYI…. THE BAGS UNDER MY EYES ARE LOUIS VUITTON
Like a shark smelling blood in the water, my toddler can also smell when I am eating my secret stash of cookies.
what are some fun beginner crimes for someone getting into lawlessness
Me: So Christ’s body is the bread?
Priest: yes
Me: and he rose from the grave
Priest: yes…
Me: because of the yeast?
Priest: no
Me: okay, none of this makes sense
My Millennial gets her Masters in December and of course I’m proud but she called me last week to say our toaster broke and long story short, she plugged the wrong appliance in.
HER: tell me about yourself
ME: I have a cat
H: cute
M: he likes music
H: cool
M: we’re in a band
H: weird
M: called Mewtallica
H: ok bye
Instead of asking “Are you still watching?” Netflix just said “Hey, pace yourself, we’re almost out of shows.”
Why do we call them “restrictions,” anyway? Do you look at a life-jacket and think “there’s my drowning restriction”?
me: wHaT iS It DocToR
dr: you have a disease that makes you mock people
me: oH No Is iT CoNTaGiOuS
dr: oH No Is iT CoNTaGiOuS
I’m “made an ashtray in art even though my parents don’t smoke because that was the assignment” years old.
SON: [Stood by tree with apple on head] Dad, what ever happened to my three younger brothers?
WILLIAM TELL: [Aiming arrow] ….Chicken pox
*professes my undying love to my microwave*
*microwave sets itself on fire*
In my house, we celebrate Mother’s Day a week late, so we can save on all the mothers who are on sale
“You need some sunlight on that pasty skin of yours”–says my mom as she cures me of social anxiety and crippling depression
I now have so many pet peeves that I’ve had to hire someone to walk them during the day.