Husband: We should go to Costco.
Me [still in pajamas]: So I should change?
H: I said Costco, not Walmart.
Me:*puts on nicer pajamas*
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First they ignore your fanny pack, then they laugh at your fanny pack, then they see you eat gummy bears from your fanny pack, then you win.
PREGNANT CASHIER: Have a great day
ME: Thanks, have a great baby
[first day in Hell]
Me: I can’t wait to bust out of here
Devil: there is no escape
Me: no? [shakes kool-aid packet]
i turned 40 and suddenly i can’t see shit if i drive at night and it’s raining. Is the lane still there? Idk. Did the road disappear? Idk. Am I even on the road anymore? Nope.
Them: You’re a dumpster fire.
Me: Awww, you think I’m hot?
I introduced my kids to the “magical snap of sleep”, when I snap my fingers the person in bed falls instantly asleep, it worked beautifully on my husband but the kids are still awake
China: ok. now we start the Great Roof.
(my first day as a transformer)
optimus prime: Transformers, roll out!
Me:*transforms into hotdog cart* CAN I GET A PUSH HERE
If anyone ever saw me trying to zip up my jacket I’m pretty sure they’d make me repeat third grade.
my phone died right in front of me and now i’m Batman
Maybe the reason Miss Piggy is still single is she has a fear of kermitment
You want just one cow for those magic beans? Idk, I’m suspicious, magic beans sounds like the sort of thing that would cost 2 cows.
DNA doesn’t make you a parent. Stepping on a lego guy on your way to the bathroom at 3 am does
I threw out all the clothes that no longer fit and now I’m a nudist.
Friend: My baby turned 3 today. He’s growing up so fast!
Me: He’s actually growing up at an equal speed to every other human being on the planet.(why I’m not invited to birthday parties anymore.)
C’mon, I can’t be the only one that does kegels to pass the time in meetings
I’m not average. I’m mean.
58.
I’d like to assure my concerned neighbors that although I have slowly driven by your house 97 times in the last 20 mins, I am not, in fact, a predator or a stalker. I am waiting for my insomniac toddler to fall asleep.
There’s a special hole in my backyard for people to hit me in the back of the ankles with a shopping cart.
The calories in food given to you by someone else don’t count, right?
Victoria’s Secret supermodels aren’t as impressive if you add shopping bags
I hope the mysterious food thief at the office enjoys the dog food marinara and Jello with my toenail clippings I made for him/her.
imagine telling yo girl a joke and i start laughing under the bed
Every reddit relationship post is like “My husband dropped a big piano on my head and when I emerged from the rubble my teeth had been replaced by the keys. Am I in the wrong?”
Child: I can’t wait to be older.
Me [tweezing grey hairs growing out of my ear]: There is literally no greater joy.
It was cool when I taught my kid at 2yo to whisper, “your soul is mine” back to us.
It was cooler when she started whispering it to anyone she was introduced to.
White, black, brown, yellow, man, woman, transgender, gay, straight, Christian, Muslim, young, old, ALL of you will taste the same to the zombies.
Jesus [on the cross]: I hope you guys make some cool necklaces about this
“Is there really a fire? Prove it.” -Mrs. Doubtfire