Husband: What kind of toothpaste should I get?
Me: Sensitive, strengthening, whitening, tartar control, plaque removing, deep clean, breath freshening, complete protection, with baking soda.
Husband: So get the blue stuff?
Me: Yes.
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One of my personalities goes to the grocery store and buys healthy food…
Now, I can’t find anything to eat in the fridge.
I woke up with a horse’s head in my bed. And straw. And the rest of the horse’s body. And cows. And a tractor. And this is a barn, I guess.
Joe Biden is in the White House kitchen right now licking every piece of silverware and putting them back in the drawer
me: [walks into a darkened room of people holding hands around a table] what are you guys doing
psychic: *whispers* seance
me: ance
Me: Empty the dishwasher, please.
10 y/o: Can’t…need to work on my business idea.
Me: What’s your business idea?
10y/o: I’m gonna charge anyone who pets our dog.
Me:
10y/o:
Me: Do you need a partner, and how much we chargin?
Buying a bag of spinach is ignoring it for four days and then having to put 2 fistfuls into everything to use it before it goes bad
Whatever, Usain Bolt. I’ve been finishing in under 10 seconds for years.
I’m explaining to my mom this is what happens when a goth girl wished for global annihilation as she blew out her birthday candles.
If my memory serves me, the last time I was someone’s type, I was donating blood.
Get your employees to work harder by “accidentally” leaving articles on the printer about reducing staff.
The old saying about pissed off waiters applies to everyone really. I’m fairly certain the guy at Home Depot just spit on my mulch.
Joke I told my one-eyed coworker today:
Me: What do you call a terrorist who’s missing an eye?
Him: I give up
Me: A terrorst
i have lived through 30 winters and i’m somehow still surprised when it gets dark before 5pm in november
This strange woman won’t stop talking to me so I’m going to stare at her eyebrows until she gets paranoid and leaves me alone.
If a cockroach can survive a catastrophic nuclear holocaust, then what in the digital heavens do they put in Raid? #ThingsToPonderAtNight
[at the gym]
GUYS, stop splashing in the shower! You know I can’t get my perm wet for another few days.
What if Bing is just a guy in his office Googling stuff for you and doing his best
my ex just blocked me on twitter but i’m not gonna text him to ask him why bc i’m mature, i respect his boundaries and also he’s already blocked my number.
Why do they call it alcoholics anonymous if you introduce yourself?
When kidnappers take sensitivity training: fragrance free chloroform
[my sister, discussing her two-year-olds]: yeah they haven’t yet realized that if they don’t eat breakfast, they’ll be in a horrible mood later
[me, just realizing my bad mood was caused by skipping breakfast]: yeah….idiot babies
Lost in the desert, you scan the horizon with your device. To the east, you see the leaning tower of Pisa. To the west, you see the familiar pillars of Stonehenge. That’s when you realize you should have brought binoculars instead of a Viewmaster.
I like to throw bottles into the ocean with notes that just say, k.
ACTORS’ TIP: can’t afford headshots? run a red light and use the photo they mail you. as a bonus you can add “driving stunts” to your resume
my biggest fear is a kiIler saying some funny shit whiIe im playing dead
It must be hard to judge a wet t-shirt contest. I saw one recently and all the t-shirts looked equally wet.
Not saying I’m impatient, but I do appreciate a murder in the first chapter.
as a kid, I used to think $1,000 was a lot of money. But now that I’m an adult, I think it’s a tremendous amount of money
Boss: Stop putting fake teeth marks in the urinal cakes. You’re freaking out the customers.
Me: Fake?
Sometimes I accidentally make eye contact with someone and it’s like “well I better just go with it” and I begin sprinting at them