HUSBAND: What should Santa get you for Christmas?
ME: A tennis ball machine filled with mini donuts?
HUSBAND: Powdered or chocolate?
ME: I love you.
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Me: *Sitting in traffic*
Cop: Get back in your car
Need expensive surgery? Tell a surgeon you’re auditioning a few before picking one. Have them do the surgery then say “OK I’ll let you know”
[panting, 5 minutes into sex] It’s okay, just go on without me
TAPE RECORDER: Your mission, should you choose to accept it
ME: *in my jammies* Mm, no.
Better to have loved & lost than to have never loved at all; but if going spelunking was your idea, you should at least *try* to find her.
Just yelled, “I will EAT you!” out my window in a fit of road rage, so that was new.
That feeling of relief when you hear your phone vibrate thinking it’s the alarm for work but it’s actually just your spouse snoring
Looking for a get well soon card but they’re all so inspirational and sappy why not something simple like “I hope you make it through this but if not say what’s up to god for me”
I always like to start an argument before a family road trip so no one speaks to me during the drive.
Don’t take this wrong but if I see another baby Star Wars character I’m gonna dismember everyone
Son: “Did you know alligators can grow up to 15 feet?”
Me: “Wow, I thought most only had 4.”
Friend: Did you know most people mistake thirst for hunger?
Me: Really? Weird. Hey, are you going to eat that water bottle?
hmm conte-me mais
i work in the toll booth and i listen to smooth operator and i sing along but i say booth operator
Pretty rude of Instagram to put a bunch of ads for shapewear in my feed dominated by food porn… I mean, they’re not wrong, but it’s still rude
You text him, he doesn’t text you back. Obviously he was so excited that you texted that he fainted.
Maybe leave yourself in a hot car with a window open one inch for 15 minutes while your dog runs into the store
*tumbles down basement stairs, laundry flying everywhere*
Me: *whispers through pain* parkour…
Me when I get ten emails in a minute at work
Kids going as Batman for Halloween should not be accompanied by parents unless those parents are dressed as ghosts
Red light : Stop
Yellow light : Proceed w/ caution
Green light : Wait till everyone hates you then go
*wife & I finally look up from our phones after 9 months*
“Have you had the kid yet?”
-No
“Well, I’m level 77 on candy crush.”
My dog: Look, they were over baked. Sooo, you’re welcome.
Pro tip: smell the fragrant hand soap on your fingers while you’re in the restaurant’s restroom, not on your way back to the table.
[first day as a surgeon]
me: do you have any questions?
patient: how often do people die during this surgery?
me: just once
I wish I could just drop my body off at the gym and pick it up later.
I’m sorry, I’m about to lose you because I’m driving through a tunnel underwater in a canyon on an airplane while hanging up the phone.
no, YOU’RE clutching a string of kielbasas like rosary beads
[board meeting]
“So Mr Parachute do you have a name for your invention?”
“I call it the ‘Makes the Ground Come at You a Bit Slower’.”
“No.”
Me: When I asked you to get into the Christmas spirit, I didn’t mean for you to become Scrooge!
Teen: rolls eyes