HUSBAND: What should Santa get you for Christmas?
ME: A tennis ball machine filled with mini donuts?
HUSBAND: Powdered or chocolate?
ME: I love you.
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yeah baby i am an animal in bed. more specifically a koala. i can sleep for 22 hours a day
My daughter asked me what a colonoscopy was so I gave her an honest answer. She learned about colonoscopies and I learned I need to be less honest.
My new party trick.. I swallow two pieces of string and an hour later they come out of my ass tied together….I shit you knot…
Sometimes I answer the door in a towel when I get an Amazon delivery. Even if I’m wearing clothes underneath.
I received my 5yo’s report card today. His teachers are impressed with his leadership skills and want him to be the class tidy up captain because he’s so helpful! I’m really proud but also wondering if they’re talking about the right kid.
Getting my drone stuck in the tree isn’t the worst thing that happened to me today.
But it’s definitely up there.
London friend is complaining about a 10 minute wait for a tube while I, a non-Londoner, sit here waiting for the rail replacement horse
End a boring conversation by opening an umbrella in their face
i’m so old i’m almost back in style
I don’t wanna be an alpha male or a beta male. I wanna be an armadillo so when I’m stressed I can just @ and roll away from my problems
Is that Carl?
Oh hey Carl
The plural of mouse is mice, so the plural of spouse should be spice and I’m not discussing this any further.
Person: trust me, I know a thing or two
Me: (untrustingly) that’s really not an impressive number of things to know
Me on the toilet: HEY I NEED SOME TOILET PAPER
6: *running around dressed like a mummy* we’re all out
Need cheering up? If you watch Jaws backwards, it’s a heartwarming story about a massive shark that gives arms and legs to disabled people.
ME, my last day as a doctor: Sir, your sugar is dangerously high. You need to eat less… *checking the notes on my hand*… crabs.
Real men don’t need guns. One time I beat a burglar to death with a sleeve of Ritz crackers and used the crumblings for a casserole crust.
airlines should have an option where you can book distances rather than just destinations. here’s 100 bucks, take me as far as that’ll get me. just drop me in the Atlantic ocean, I’ll figure it out.
i will not close my account until the sport of golf is rightfully named “golfball” like the other ball sports
Sorry, I’m in a hurry, lets talk while we walk… You go that way.
Mom 1: That’s my little boy on first base
Mom 2: Mine’s pitching.
Me: That’s my son spinning around in the outfield singing “Let it Go”.
If a bear attacks you, play dead. Ok good, you’re about to feel like this forever
If you start your emails with “Greetings” let me be the first to welcome you to Earth.
You think you’re your own worst critic? Just wait till you have kids
if someone asks you about yourself say “OK, sit down, this is going to be a really long story” then just wander off
The Bachelor would be a much better show if there was one woman who was a secret saboteur actively trying to wreck The Bachelor’s life.
Me:*looks up from phone*
Okay, it was Mr. Plum in the ballroom with the wrench.Family:
M:
Mom: We stopped playing that game 5 hours ago.
Married life is waking up early to preheat your wife’s car. Then taking $10 out her purse as a tip for your services.
Hey guys with the super loud mufflers on their cars. I used to put a baseball card in my bicycle wheel spokes.
I was 12.
JOHN MAYER: i wanna run through the halls of my high school
ME: i do not relate
JOHN MAYER: i wanna scream at the top of my lungs
ME: [nodding] ok now we’re talking