Husband: Where are Girl Scout cookies?
Me: We were robbed.
Husband: They only took the cookies?
Me: Well, that and the vase your mom gave us for the holidays. Weird, right?
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When accused by a woman a man’s first instinct is to deny. We’re not lying, we’re just buying time to remember what you’re talking about…
This isn’t a bathroom. Go outside if you have to do that. GET THAT OUT OF YOUR MOUTH. Help me help you.
-talking to drunks & puppies
Don’t perform CPR because you never know when a giant alien spider is dressed in a human suit.
Big fight with the husband, apparently there is a correct way to roll up a garden hose.
[3am]
My demon: [dragging me down rabbit hole with me kicking and screaming]
Also my demon: there will be cookies
Me: say no more!
Sorry boys, but you will never get into these pants. I barely get into these pants. These are very tight pants.
Nooooooooo!!!
🌴🌿🪸🍀🌳
How many babies got thrown out with the bathwater before they invented that saying?
Boss: Can I speak to you about your recent insubordination?
Me: I don’t know, CAN you?
*High-fives high school English teacher*
One time I found $100 bill in the IKEA parking lot…I then went inside and spent $447. Well played, IKEA.
JUMPER ON BRIDGE: Stay back, I just want to end it all
GOOD COP: Please, you don’t have to do this
CAT COP: *slowly pushes him off bridge*
I don’t mean to brag but HR told me no one had ever eaten everyone’s lunch before as a reason to fit their own food in the fridge.
The bank wouldn’t cash my huge check so I am using it as shelter from the elements until I figure out how to get up the beanstalk to the giant teller window
Retweeting a woman is basically saying “that’s what she said”
People get upset when you bring a beach ball to a funeral.
Her: you look great
My brain: say thank you
Anxiety: why does she hate me
Me: I have peanut butter in my hair
Me: I’m a tenor.
Her: You’re a six, and I’m being generous.
Another day of explaining to mom that New York is big and the footage she saw wasn’t shot on my street.
It was an art back in the day to be able to fit your tweet into 140 characters
Now people tweet chapters and their tweets are still a load of bollocks. See? This one is already far too long. I apologise for wasting your time and omg why are you still reading this rubbish?
I hope the mysterious food thief at the office enjoys the dog food marinara and Jello with my toenail clippings I made for him/her.
*tells the kids to stop skateboarding in the house*
**skateboards in the house after they go to sleep**
Whenever I have to sign something to send back to my kid’s school, I always worry they’ll think she forged it even though I try to use my best “grown-up” penmanship.
I brushed my teeth without watching in the mirror and now my eyebrows are clean.
me: Hi it is nice to meet u. I am Jeff
date: Are u reading off notecards
M: Yes sex at ur place sounds gr-wait crap these are out of order
Egg drop soup
Egg clumsy
Egg bad waiter
Egg fired again
Egg turn to life of crime
On a road trip passing a billboard that says live girls dancing daily.
My daughter’s voice from the backseat, “wow, that’s a lot of recitals.”
* Grows beard to woo women *
* Receives recruitment email from ISIS *
I bet Amelia Earhart is just wandering around in an IKEA somewhere.
Just got a paper cut on my webbing so you guys go ahead without me. It’s been fun.
It’s so funny when someone writes a song to try to get someone to have sex with them. That’s what a bird would do!