Husband: Where are Girl Scout cookies?
Me: We were robbed.
Husband: They only took the cookies?
Me: Well, that and the vase your mom gave us for the holidays. Weird, right?
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I prefer the term “quirky”, it sounds less diagnosable.
lady: omg your puppy is so cute whats his name
me: laser guardian
If you love something set it on fire. If it doesn’t die, you have a dragon.
I hate it when I’m trying to discreetly pick a wedgie in public and inadvertently end up doing every dance routine from Spice World.
Just saved two ants from drowning in the pool, so I assume they’re rushing back to their colony to tell everyone they were lifted to safety by the giant hand of god.
Spent a few hours hand sanding drywall and it always reminds me of my mentor Mr. Miagi who would say, “you’re no Daniel, now get back to work or I’ll beat you like a drum.”
*first day as an insurance salesman*
Customer: Can I get a quote?
Me: Sure! “Hold on tight, spider-monkey” 🥰
Customer: …
Me: …
Customer: …
Me: …Edward Cullen 2008.
I just received a bottle of wine that was regifted 3 times before it cycled back to me.
So, basically, I bought myself a bottle of wine.
The next time you hear a celebrity saying, “we’ll get through this together,” send them your electric bill with a thank you note.
What I say: hold on with two hands
What my kid hears: hold on with as few hands as possible, preferably none
i dont swirl my wine because im sophisticated i do it because i can barely stand
Asking your child to go get their sibling for dinner is just asking them to stand next to you and scream their sibling’s name.
My boyfriend talks to everyone while I stand by quietly planning my escape.
DATING TIP: PULL THE CHAIR OUT FOR HER. PICK THE CHAIR UP & FOLD IT. HIT HER OVER THE HEAD WITH THE CHAIR. GET THE 3 COUNT. NEW WWE CHAMPION
i’ve already had 2 cups of coffee and a can of coke this morning; i’m about to jump out of the plane and just run the rest of the way
I’m really bad at measuring the correct amount of pasta when cooking, so if you and 79 of your friends want spaghetti tonight…I got extra.
Them: Describe your personality using one word.
Me: no
TEEN 1: Church is so boring.
TEEN 2: It’s so out of touch.
THE YOUNG POPE approaches pulpit: “Some…BODY once told me–”
TEENS: HOLY SHIT
Stop being friends with whoever says you can’t twerk to Led Zeppelin.
You don’t need that negativity in your life.
having children is great because just when you’re on the brink of insanity from overstimulation one of them will launch into an hour long educational session on pokemon
Doctor: You need to cut out orange juice in the morning.
Me: Because of all the sugar?
D: No, because of all the champagne.
[First date]
Me: So, I’ve been married for 12 years –
Him: You’re married??
Me: Is that a problem?
If I apply for a job at the railroad,
will they expect me to already know how to do the job
or will they train me?
Me: What’s a six-letter word for “unhurriedly?”
Wife: Slowly.
Me: [sigh] W-h-a-t…i-s…a…s-i-x…
20s: lol
30s: omg
40s: wtf
Almost nailed it! 😂🤣
Sailors who are unable to stop a ship properly are sent to 2 weeks of court-ordered anchor management.
Me (age 26): *parties like a rock star*
Me (age 46): *plots against the raccoon that keeps getting into my bird feeder*
”I wonder how long cake is good for before it goes stale?”
*I say to myself as I eat the last slice from a cake made earlier that day
*sticks a pencil in your ear and manually rewinds you back before you opened your mouth*