Husband who is bathing dogs in the bathtub asked if I wanted to join them & I wish I could say this is the weirdest offer I’ve had all day
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Tea without sugar isn’t “unsweetened tea”.
It’s. Just. Tea.
“How old would you be if you didn’t know how old you are?”🤔
not sure how I feel about the depiction of albert einstein in oppenheimer. he’s not even sticking out his tongue
Took the kids to the beach and I now I need to know if I drive the sand back myself or if someone will come pick it up from me
ME TO MY CAT: Now show them the word I taught you that means you have an ouchie.
MY CAT: me-ow
FRIENDS: ……you’re an idiot.
Good News: You mean the world to me.
Bad News: The world is pretty lousy right now.
*scampers over to ice cream truck*
Yes, I’ll take the SpongeBob who looks like he just opened the Ark of the Covenant, please.
[Court]
ME: You expect us to believe your alibi — that everybody’d gone surfin’? Surfin’ USA?
BEACH BOYS: *sweating* Y-yeah
ME: Then how do you explain this?! *I hold up a picture showing that everybody was kung-fu fighting*
I taught my kid the importance of stop, drop and roll at an early age. Now he never blocks my view of the television.
me: everything is the same, but when the bread is done it pops out a little more so that you can grab it without burning your hand
toaster company ceo: I still don’t get it
GERG: She licked ur donut?
JERY: Shes a DONUT LICKER!
GERG: gross!
JERY: she also said she “hates america”
GERG: Donut licking traitor!
Baby wood ducks hurl themselves 60’ from nests in tree cavities a day after they hatch but sure son, I can bring your laundry downstairs
I always wondered how Neapolitan ice cream was made…
[Swiss bank]
ME: I’d like to take out a loan
CASHIER: Okay, what kind?
ME: A tober
CASHIER: what?
ME: A toberloan
CASHIER: Are you trying to say Toblerone?
ME: …toberloan
Let’s all stand up against iron deficiency (but not too fast).
had to share :’)
[pronounces “pineapples” like “minneapolis”]
DATE: I want to date someone that is really into nature
MY BRAIN: say you like hiking
MY MOUTH: I’m planning to go off the grid & move into the mountains to become a forest troll soon
I really showed that Rubik’s Cube who’s unemployed.
Dating isn’t easy when you’re married.
*stands at the bottom of the water slide, forcefully baptizing everyone who comes down*
GF: Can I have some almonds?
Me: Sure I’m done with them.
GF: These are good!
Me: They were better when the chocolate was on them.
“I hate you but I love you. I miss you but you make me sick. You’re wonderful but get away from me” -My love letter to carbs
It should be a crime to have sports announcers that sound like a grandpa kermit the frog murmuring through a paper towel tube. YOU’RE RUINING THE GAME PAPA
that kind of tired where you wanna tell people who sneeze repeatedly to quit celebrating their allergies so loud
Once saw a mortgage application where a guy put his job description as “self employed street pharmacist”
I think about that a lot
Huge, if true.
My ex left because I “lack imagination”.
“Yeah? Well you lack imagination!”, I shouted after her.
how did they feed babies before the airplane was invented?
I overheard my neighbor say, “she has SO MANY pigeons in her yard,” but I couldn’t tell if she was impressed or concerned.