Pride of lions? Murder of crows? They got nothin’ on a craze of kids.
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I just know they’re trying to reach him about an extended warranty.
[getting escorted out of zoo] “I just wanted to see if the panda knew kung fu like in the movie”
Hedge fund CEO: I lost $3 billion, my company, my home, and now my wife
Me: Have you considered budgeting?
Why does my computer always ask me if I’m “sure” about stuff? Yes, I want to delete my hard drive.
[minutes after eating mac & cheese] u know what would be amazing right now- and honestly it’s been a while since I’ve had it- mac & cheese
My kid tried to get into my phone and got locked out, when she handed it back to me she said: look mom, I made it so that no one else could get into your phone. It was such an impressive spin on events, I signed her up for journalism school.
ME: [sitting in kitchen writing out bills]
SON: I lost a tooth. I’m gonna leave it under my pillow tonight.
ME: I’d wait until next week.
My son is practicing his French horn and I love the arts, I was so excited for my kids to love them, but wow he’s pretty bad.
BOSS: This is hard to say…we need to make cutbacks
ME: What’s so hard? “We need to make cutbacks” See? Piece of cake
BOSS: Getting easier
Probably the worst thing about the death of print media is the devastating effect it’s having on the producers of traditional ransom notes.
I wash my whites separately but what do I do with the shirt I was wearing while eating spaghetti.
Remember it’s Christmas. You need to check your elf before you wreck your shelf
Finally shaved my armpits and found the factory reset button
to the people who follow me but don’t like anything I post. I see you, I hear you, I am you 🫶
9: I learned a joke at school.
Me: Ok let’s hear it.
9: What goes in stiff but comes out soft?
Me:
9:
Me:
9:
Me: Is it a-
Wife [running in from other room]: SPAGHETTI IT’S SPAGHETTI
Most of us were taught to never get in cars with strangers, so taxi cabs make absolutely no sense.
To the driver of the truck with the ENVYME vanity plate who took up two spaces and left me nowhere to park: Why would I envy someone with four freshly deflated tires?
me to 8: dude you’re growing up! When you gonna stop getting bigger?
8: I don’t know. When are you gonna stop getting bigger?
me:
My nutritionist told me wine doesn’t count as a fruit source so now I need to find a different nutritionist.
[in bathroom stall]
Me: …
Guy: …most people wait their turn outside of the stall
Why don’t you make like a tree and grow big and strong bro
This generation has discovered the selfie stick. My generation discovered AIDS. Don’t know what’s worse.
Next time someone says “I’m a hugger” and tries to hug me I’m gonna say “I’m a biter” and see how it goes.
Star Wars movies now feel like when your dad caught you smoking and said “Oh you like cigarettes? Well now you’re gonna smoke a whole pack.”
Date: Lets break the ice.
Polar bear: break th-[shatters Coke bottle] BREAK THE ICE? What are you saying?!
D: I mea-
PB: THATS MY HOME LINDA
[1st date]
HER: I love autumn, it’s my favorite season
ME: [trying to impress] Yes, I love the way the leaves just… autumn off the trees
I accidentally bought organic milk instead of regular and now my family is so broke we are forced to live in a shack and make clothes out of recycled hair.
You think you’re having a bad day? My 7 year old just figured out how to whistle.
Based upon recent baking experience I have concluded that a loaf of bread should cost $75.