HUSBAND: Why are you eating food in line when we’re buying takeout?
ME: It’s my warm up sandwich.
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me: “why was she called the little mermaid, she was 5ft7?”
therapist: “i meant anything bothering you about your marriage keith”
[first date]
“What’s wrong?”
I don’t like the ambulance in this place
[sniggering] “You mean ambience”
[next table] NEE NAW NEE NAW WOOOOOO
Me on my way to find a boyfriend before Valentine’s Day…
HIM: tell me your wildest fantasy
ME: i’m on wheel of fortune and i spin it so hard it lights on fire
HIM: i meant like-
ME: everyone claps
Me: I was going to but decided I have a headache.
Friend: How do you just “decide” to have a headache?
Me: uh oh now I have a hearing problem.
I don’t know who this is, but he’s made my day.
I never learned how to flirt, I just roast the hell out of guys until they stop talking to me
Told my kids we can’t have nice things because of them and 11 candidly says, “You’re the ones who decided to have kids,” so now I guess we don’t have nice things or comebacks anymore.
Can you guys make me famous? I’m tired of being a meaningful contributor to society.
Praying Mantis wife: Are u cheating on me?
Praying Mantis husband [his missing head replaced by a marble]: What on earth gave u that idea?
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish
Never go to bed angry. Stay up and make sure they don’t sleep either.
When I die, before I’m cremated, fill me with popcorn kernels for one last laugh.
*first day as a firefighter*
I don’t think this place is open for lunch, it’s on fire
Me: Do you want in or out?
My dog: Yes.
anytime I meet someone who doesn’t like dogs I assume their backstory is that they were cut from their high school basketball team because airbud took their spot
Didn’t get any sleep last night….I spent the entire time wondering where the sun went.
Then it dawned on me.
The jerk store called? But, that jerk store burned down ten years ago… on this very night
How dare you look down on me, judging me with your judgy eyes and your judgy attitude and…
Attorney: my client means, “not guilty”
Back from my bike ride and I feel fit as a fiddle … the fiddle, ya know, that most athletic of instruments…
I love you so much, I’ll just sit at home and stare at my phone to make you notice.
Friend: Will we be hearing the patter of tiny feet soon?
Me: *grabbing her arm too hard* You know about my squirell army
[job interview]
Him: Do you use drugs or alcohol?
Me: No.
Him: What’s your salary requirement?
Me: To be able to afford drugs & alcohol.
Just cleaned* the fridge and pantry like the hero my family deserves.
*ate all the cheese and cookies
The 250 million year old Himalayan salt I bought expires in November 2018
There are no atheists in the passenger seat when I drive.
8: mom do you have ANY idea how rare circles are in minecraft?
me: no but i have a bad feeling you’re about to spend a really long time telling me
Teacher: *carrying basket full of massive fruit* good morning, class. Today we will be working in pears
Me: I think some people are just birds in disguise
Friend: Haha, can I tweet that?
Me: *narrows eyes* Can you what
Pro-tip for you non-anxious folks out there, if you’re gonna shoot someone a “Hey can we talk” message, for the love of God include what you want to talk about