HUSBAND: Why are you late?
ME: I was at church.
HUSBAND: I find that hard to believe. Did they have a breakfast buffet or something?
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If I was in the military, I would be a sniper. That way I can lie down a lot.
Parents: Don’t play with sharp objects.
Parents in October: Here’s a knife. Now stab this pumpkin.
Jurassic Park but with ferrets instead of dinosaurs.
If you want to know how old my daughter is it’s “won’t talk on the phone if I’m in the room” years old
[Interview]
Why do you want this job?
Me: *opens briefcase* I don’t.
*pulls out Snickers*
I just wanted to eat this without my kids around
[blind date]
HER: I’m a big dog person
ME {trying to impress her}: My middle name is Clifford
sweetie, something about you tonight is driving me wild
I just shaved so now my jeans finally fit again
your stripper name is the first two words you see in a newspaper headline while on the phone with your wife pretending to be an old British woman so you can be her nanny and spend more time with your kids
“My door is always open.”
— World’s worst submarine commander
Welcome to your 40s: everyone can hear you when you stand up now.
A ponytail so tight I look 5 years younger and everyone thinks I’ve been smiling all day.
Cleaning up a murder scene shouldn’t count against you at trial. “It proves you were trying to get away with it.” No, it proves I didn’t want a pool of blood in my kitchen.
My daughter got a sticker from her teacher that said ‘resilient tortoise.’
I’ve sent her in with one to give in return, ‘patronizing hippo.’
[trying to climb out of beanbag chair] Divorce?
Shit. Gotta huge job interview tomorrow and I have no clue where I put my prom dress
Me *digging my own grave*: see, I do have to do EVERYTHING around here
Why do parents train babies to peek with the game peekaboo but then spend the remaining childhood telling them not to peek?
I think the ideal solution to my problems would be for me to get tenure. I don’t know exactly what tenure is but I think it could really turn things around for me.
If someone acts shocked that you haven’t read a certain book, the best response you can give them is, “Yeah, I heard it sucks”
LADIES, imagine this.
It’s 15 years from now. Your son is playing pee-wee football. Your husband has been working with him all summer. Your little girl is cheering on her big brother at the fence. The coach benches him and puts in a golden retriever.
Me: The salad with chicken, cheese and can you put it between slices of bread?
Waiter: So a sandwich?
Me: I’d prefer if we called it a salad
made the mistake of clicking through and buying something from an Instagram ad and it’s like when I tried to give one seagull a single piece of my sandwich
Just a phase…
Interviewer: “Is this glass half empty or half full?”
Guy: “It’s completely full.”
Interviewer: “You’re hired. Welcome to Lay’s.”
My superpower is convincing my family I spent all day cleaning by lighting a few candles
me: it was my first day in prison, so I went up to the biggest, scariest guy and punched him
St. Peter: then what happened
Fat chances are my favorite chances
I stand in the tampon aisle and when a woman reaches for a box, I snicker and say “you’re gross”.
professor x: what’s your power
me: time travel and a full head of hair lol
professor x: get out
[5 seconds later]
professor x: what’s your power
me, wearing a hat: time travel