Husband: Why are you whispering?
Me: because I’m wearing spanx and i can’t breathe or feel my hands or feet much less speak in a normal voice
Husband: I don’t know why you wore those it didn’t even make that much difference.
Me: I WILL KILL YOU WITH MY BARE HANDS
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me: instead of a baby I think I’ll get a dog
midwife: no, you won’t
“Who’s sorry now?”
~ First question on Canadian citizenship exam
hot instagram model girl: before each workout i always drink this
me: [laying in bed covered in crumbs] im gonna buy that
my wife and i have been playing a 7 day game of ‘dishes in the sink are lava’
I don’t need the audio tour at the museum, I have my teen to provide critical commentary the entire time.
Jesus was actually killed by the FBI when he discovered birds weren’t real
the Lord of the Rings is mostly a bunch of really old guys walking around telling some 40 year old Hobbits “yeah this place used to be really cool but it sucks now”
have respect for every human life. we are all made in gods image. big computers on top. buncha important balloons in the middle. stilts.
Ironically, it’s my humility that makes me so much better than everyone else.
My husband ruins every game show by figuring out how much tax the winner will have to pay.
ME: I hate him with 1/16th of the fibers of my being
GUY: Not every fiber?
ME: I hate alot of people. I’m not wasting all my fibers on 1 guy
My boss at the stencil factory once asked me to make a template for work, so next morning I went to the temp’s house and let her tyres down
These Brit awards outfits are getting stupid now.
“I’m caught in a love hexagon.” – polygamists
What was I like in high school? You know that guy who drove a Camaro and banged all the cheerleaders? I’m the reason he passed calculus
Momma, I hid my milk!
-A Parenting Horror Story
PSA: if it’s warmer than 71 degrees outside and we go to a restaurant, NO. we do not want a table outside. i will literally unfriend you in real life.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because you like me
Cop: omg shut up I do not
Whales are just primitive elephants that walked into the ocean and then kept walking.
Are dinosaurs finished evolving into birds yet? Or will they become even birdier?
The most Seattle thing ever: I ran into a woman on my street using a mason jar with a light in it to look for her lost chicken
I think the ideal solution to my problems would be for me to get tenure. I don’t know exactly what tenure is but I think it could really turn things around for me.
Super glue dry times:
Wood – 30 secs
Steel – 60 secs
Ceramic – 20 secs
Fingers – instant
I’m not a dietitian, but if you eat pizza right at midnight your body doesn’t know if the calories go towards yesterday or today so they don’t count
Whenever I have a panic attack, I put a paper bag over my mouth & once I’m done drinking the alcohol inside I feel a lot better.
Fortunately, I’m just tall enough to see out of these 2 holes in my face
Movie idea: Channing Tatum and Chris Hemsworth are called on by the US government to take their shirts off and punch people who read books.
[orders pizza]
Would you also like our cheesy bread, comes with sauce?
Are you trying to sell me a side of pizza with my pizza? 2 please.
Every time someone thinks I’m younger than I am, an angel gets cake
My resignation letter to HR will be delivered via glitter bomb