Husband: Wouldn’t it be easier to buy a larger size jeans?
Me: (on roof) Just hold out my skinny jeans for me to jump into like we planned!
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When I can’t find my car keys, I’m grateful for the most helpful suggestions like “Where did you last leave them?” and “They’ll turn up”.
I don’t mean to brag but my stalker has OCD so he trims my bushes while he’s hiding in them waiting for me to get home.
Ladies, if you’re looking for romance, now is the time of year to move to a small town in order to save your grandfather’s business from the guy who also happens to secretly be the love of your life
I’ve seen or heard about Batman’s parents’ death so many times I feel like an accessory to murder for not going to the authorities.
We’re at dinner with my parents on this trip.
Dad, receiving his salad: Oh, you have to mix this together yourself.
Me: You mean you have to toss your own salad?!
*Husband laughed*
*Mom giggled*Dad, oblivious: Yeah. You do.
Two out of three ain’t bad.
Today, i tried to run with a mask on, but i couldn’t.
It reminded me of those times when i tried to run without a mask and still couldn’t.
My unsolicited parenting advice? Clip your kids toe nails with your mouth closed. You’re welcome.
Wishing everyone who’s visiting their parents for Christmas a very water tastes wrong.
ok, now say it again so my wife hears
“you’re too big for this ride, sir”
There is absolutely nothing to stop your dentist from putting small tracking devices in your mouth. How would you know. You wouldn’t
My wife handles our kids like a boss. The only problem is she make me do it too 😂
Me: I need to make better life choices.
Also me: CAKE FOR BREAKFAST IT IS.
A guy just tried to mansplain me what a sawhorse is but I shut him down because I am well aware that it’s the past tense of seahorse! Ok, thanksbuhbye.
I don’t use Tinder, I meet girls the old school way: never
The best thing about alcohol hand gel in hospitals isn’t the hygiene, but that everyone walks around like they’re hatching a dastardly plan.
Interviewer: How are you with stress?
Me: We’re well acquainted.
“Check engine”
Yep, it’s still there.
me: i love sleepovers
doctor: this isn’t a sleepover, you’re in the hospital
me: then why do I have this nightgown
doctor: that’s a hospital gown
me: truth or dare
doctor:
me:
doctor: dare
me: what’s the difference between an american and an australian spider?
date: i don’t know
me: one is a spider you idiot
I accidentally had two energy drinks today and now my house is decorated for Christmas.
ME: I’ll have the burger.
WAITER: And how do you like your burger?
ME: I don’t know. You haven’t brought it to me yet.
[knocks on neighbor’s door]
HI CAN I COME TO YOUR YELLING PARTY
Dm: Hi
Me: but have you even accepted Jesus as your Lord and savior?
Most days I wish I were an octopus so I could slap 8 people at once.
my house isn’t haunted i just have kids. shit goes missing at random. doors are left open. faucets left running. and don’t get me started on the screams.
-I can’t stand liars and fakes
-You are so pretty
-See? Why can’t everyone be honest like you
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark!🎶
my wife and i are having a hard time conceiving a highway so we’re considering adopting
It’s actually the voices outside my head that irritate me the most.
Can y’all please stop posting obi-wan spoilers? I’m not going to watch it I just don’t want to hear about it anymore.