Husband: You don’t need to wear makeup, babe.
Me: (dressed as a witch) Thanks.
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I just labeled the folder with my passwords in my computer bag “PW” rather than “Passwords” in case anyone wants me on their encryption team
water baby: when i grow up, i wanna be the ocean
water dad: with your grades, you’ll be lucky if you end up as dasani
Always amazed when I see people slip guns into the back of their pants. How is that comfortable? How do you not get a weapon wedgie?
If there’s anything more exhausting than having a face-to-face conversation with another human being I’ve yet to find it.
Eating chocolate pudding from a diaper is a good way to get a whole row to yourself at the cinema.
[Me as a Realtor]
BUYERS: this is a great house, what’s the catch?
ME: Well, it is a bit.. [cant think of the word haunted] ghost encrusted
I broke up with my high school girlfriend because I’m a nerd and she was a cheerleader, we were just wrong for each other. Also I never asked her out or even spoke to her, poor girl didn’t even know I existed.
Now, if you all will excuse me I’m going into my closet and I’m not coming out until I find something with an elastic waist…
What about a Hallmark movie where a country farmer with a heart of gold visits family in the big city and finds cheap lust and superficial thrills in the arms of a steely and powerful businesswoman?
Reporter: He was strangled by a loved one
My Murderer: Whoa, love is a strong word
I bet homophobic guys get reincarnated into condoms.
[Applebees on Christmas]
God: Enjoy your meal?
Jesus: Ya, I-
[a crowd of servers surrounds them]
Jesus: You didn’t…
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO Y
There’s a fine line between a mirror and the end of this rolled up dollar bill.
If we had security camera footage of Mother Teresa, trust me, even she’d look guilty of something.
Wife says I shouldn’t look at my phone in public because I get distracted and lose track of her and the kids. Can’t wait to tell her how wrong she is, once I find them at this Farmer’s Market.
Wearing my bathing suit as underwear in case a random pool party breaks out sounds way better than too lazy to do laundry.
Let the bodies hit the floor? Ok but first let me put down some plastic this is new carpet I don’t want to ruin it my mom will be pissed
Most bags of sand live a tough life stopping floods. But some, the lucky ones, live a leisurely life tied to the basket of a hot air balloon
[Lies on resume about having gone to preschool]
Boss: You’re hired. Your first task is to make me a macaroni picture.
Me: *eyes widen* what
Asked my 5yo how he wanted me to peel his banana, and he said any way, and this is a trap isn’t it
I’m a fairly bold person, but not “first person to clap during a pause in a fine arts performance” bold
When the cops are at your door have on a cape, carry a wand, and tell them you’re a magician when they ask how your boyfriend disappeared.
If you’re ever attacked by a mob of angry Vegans…
…don’t worry about it. They’re too weak to hurt you.
Me: I’m dieting, so just coffee for me
Him: But you put ice cream in your coff-
Me: *glares*
Him: Nothing, you’re doing great.
Obamacare? More like “Obama? I don’t care for that guy!!!” Honk if you want poor people to die
No. I wasn’t being sarcastic.
I was being a giraffe.
*walks into hospital carrying baby*
“What’s your return policy on this thing?”
Praying that Donald Trump is really just Ashton Kutcher performing his most elaborate prank yet.
Me: How much more oatmeal can you eat before you become a literary classic?
Donkey: What?
Me: *giggling* Donkey Oaty