Husband: You don’t need to wear makeup, babe.
Me: (dressed as a witch) Thanks.
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Purchased an hourglass for my desk at work to flip when people stop by to make them uncomfortable.
I am 5’3. I have a date this week with a man who is 6’4. How many ibuprofen will I need for my neck from having my head permanently tilted up if this goes anywhere?
it’s so important we compare women to other women because in the end, as we all know, there can only be one woman
landlords thinking they deserve a tip is actually crazy
[Commercial for lawnmowers]
[Exhausted looking guy stood in his garden]
*Stabs a long sword into the grass*
“There has to be a better way”
My uncle brought out a range of women’s nightwear that’s so ugly he’s being sued for gross negligées
My 5yo won an argument with me by saying “I’m just going to agree with myself”
going around my neighborhood with my Easter basket to collect eggs but most people have been downright rude about it and what eggs they do give me aren’t even dyed
It’s getting close to resolution time so I’m stockpiling now
Every news show is like “are you actually seeing what you’re seeing? We’ll ask an expert and a liar!”
My 3yo laughed and said look at this really funny picture of you Dad!
Then he held up my driver’s license
The real walk of shame is having to waddle to the hall closet to get toilet paper because you didn’t check before engaging the launch code.
What do we want?
SNACKS!When do we want em?
AFTER DINNER!– kids.
I like to throw a fake punch at a hooker’s crotch. If she flinches, I know it’s a dude.
playing too much GTA. starting to see traffic as “options.”
[Me as an Italian language translator]
Police: Ask him where the money is hidden.Me: Spaghetti tortellini Benghazi Fibonacci cappuccino.
“Please don’t do this.” – my voice mail greeting
Alcohol is photoshop for real life.
Me: Okay, give it to me straight. Why doesn’t my food blog get any subscribers?
Food Blog Mentor: Well, you might want to stop posting recipes that end with “food should look like it’s been chewed up and spit out”.
“Dude, this is so awesome, I can use my $300 smart phone as a flashlight”.
– Why we’ll be speaking Chinese in 50 years.
pharaoh: over my dead body!
pyramid architect: that’s where we’ll build it, yes.
Me: I should sleep.
Brain: No we must stay on Twitter and correct everyone erroneously identifying a beluga as a dolphin in a meme.
I don’t need a home security system for my safety because as soon as someone breaks in and hears me moaning in the hallway from falling out of the bed, they’ll just turn around a leave.
Accidentally went to Rouge One instead of Rogue One. Boy is my face red.
Desperate is following a fake Charlize Theron account with one follower that’s a bot.
5 and I are playing “guess the number I’m thinking of” with no limits and no clues. He’s guessing sequentially from 1. Talk next week, guys!
Beef and broccoli with calrose rice is on the menu tonight. If you’re coming over, bring condoms. (Just checking to see if you actually read this shit or just blindly RT)
Writing without pants on is a simple pleasure.
Shame I can’t go back to Starbucks though.