Husband: Your too much of a perfectionist. I want a divorce.
Me: (through tears)”you’re”
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My 10yo programmed Alexa so that when he asks, “Who am I?”, she responds, “You’re the king and you’re better than everybody. Deal with it, peeps!”
I am so, so embarrassed that I didn’t program her first.
Don’t make me mad or I will replace all your gummy candies with fiber gummies.
*tree falls in the forest*
*tree pretends to start jogging so it doesn’t look like an idiot*
Autocorrect just changed “loose cannon” to “loser cannon” and now I’m imagining all the people I could shoot out of it.
[friend at his party] I think we’re just gonna keep spotify on for awhile
[me with a harmonica imprint in my pocket] cool my lips hurt anyway
Son, when I was your age…I moved from New Jersey to California and met this old man that taught me karate so I could defend myself against bullies and enter the All Valley Karate Tournament.
Son: That wasn’t you
Got thrown out of Joann Fabrics for asking for wife material.
Me: Ok I’ll be back in 3 hours.
Boss: No, do it in your own time please.
Me: Ok I’ll be back in 12 Flinglongs.
me: looks like I don’t have to plant any mint, it grew back on its own
mint: yep, you don’t have to worry about me
second mint: me neither!
me: I don’t remember planting you
third mint: sup fellas how we doin
[rubs magic lamp]
GENIE: You get 3 wishes
“Anything?”
GENIE: No wishin for more wishes
“I wish for more genies”
GENIE: I don’t like you
It’s nice when my kitchen smells extra clean cause I used an entire bottle of Clorox to kill one ant.
Him: This is not what I had in mind when I suggested role play
Me: [in Boba Fett helmet] Shut up and put Captain Solo in the cargo hold
Her: OMG my feet are sooo cold, like ice!
Me: No, don’t put them on m-… gahhh!Repeat until I die, she assures me it was in the wedding vows.
screw you
Someone once told me I can’t say I hate camping if I’ve never been camping but I’ve never been stabbed in the eye and I can say with 100% certainty I would hate it so how’s this any different
The cake is mightier than the sword.
Ear cleaning technician sounds like a solid career path. As far as we know people are going to have ears.
If you pencil in your eyebrows just right, coworkers will not attempt to talk to you
*Puts on angry eyebrows*
Calling bullshit on news that the Amazon is burning. I just got a package delivered from them today
So apparently “mind how you go” isn’t a universally used phrase. We’ve always said it in our family (especially in Ireland). My girlfriend’s parents looked at me like I was speaking Welsh when I said it.
They say “Liar, Liar, Pants on Fire” but what happens if you tell a lie with no pants on?
My thoughts are with you but my prayers are reserved for Kelly on FB that’s cooking a casserole for the first time.
you’re never too old to achieve your dreams. prince charles is 73 and he just got his first job.
I was jogging at night once in jeans when I caught up to an old guy at the corner. He was so startled he handed me his wallet. I didn’t want to waste all his fear so I politely took it.
Life begins and ends with diaper rash, so enjoy the time in between.
Boeing apologizes for miscalculating how many of you they could kill cutting corners before everyone got all mad
On the second day of Christmas break my children gave to me 37 loads of laundry
Don’t make me take off my belt because then my pants would fall down and my body looks like an egg on toothpicks.
[Top of the Eiffel Tower]
Me: I just want you to know “eiffel” in love with you
Them:
Me: get it? “I fell”
Them: *pushes me off* you fell
Me: DIALOGUE!!!
Other lumberjack: You’re supposed to yell timber.