HUSBAND: You’re going to work early? I’m impressed.
ME: All the jelly doughnuts are gone by 9:00am.
You Might Also Like
me: *jumping out of a cake*
guy in next urinal: DUDE
Dentist: Any sensitivities?
Me: I don’t like being called names
Dentist: I meant your teeth, dummy
Me: *tearing up* Dude
I’ve never stepped into a bear trap, but I have asked a friend if he was going to a mutual friend’s party only to learn that he knew nothing about it because he wasn’t invited.
Boss: Any takeaways from the client meeting?
Me: I got his stapler and two rolls of toilet paper
BaD BoY!!
me: eat this food
baby: never
me: the food is now an airplane
baby: “never” was a strong word
Play monopoly on the first date so you know what you’re getting into
“YES, BACON TOTALLY CAUSES CANCER!” – pigs
I bet dogs at parties get tired of being singled out by socially awkward humans.
Stop sending me this shit.
fed my baby with a knife* today if you’re wondering how hard core of a dad I am
*blunted, plastic butter knife
*Pearly Gates
St. Peter: No way!
Me as angel: It’s the rules!
SP: But the drugs and sweari-
M: ALL DOGS GO TO HEAVEN!
Snoop: Fo’ Shizzle.
Skills
I wore a training bra for years and these things still don’t listen to a word I say
You’re born alone and you die alone. And a bunch of people annoy you in the middle. Okay, good night.
I highly recommend anything.
– Stoners.
[In meeting]
Boss: any comments?
Me: I wish I was drunk right now.
*God creating Eminem*
This one will really hate his mom, but also be really obsessed with her spaghetti.
[giving mother in law my famous salad dressing recipe over the phone] 1 part vinegar, then *bites lip so I don’t laugh* 2 parts baking soda
This is why you should never put a bald person on the front page of a newspaper
there should be more car holidays besides christmas like “hoppy honda days” or “a leggxus to remember” for easter or even “creepy jeepy month” for halloween. i mean cmon do i have to do all the work around here?
Nonwriters: How do you write a book?
Writers: Well, you write and delete a lot. Then spend three hours researching, and correct it. Next you doubt your grasp on the english language and rewrite it again
Nonwriters: Then you’re done?
Writers: Then you start the next paragraph
Took me thirty five minutes to tighten the screw in my glasses because I didn’t have my glasses on.
I’ve already broken all my resolutions and like 4 commandments.
Telling everyone “great costume” whether or not they’re wearing one.
Brought home almond milk from the grocery store
My bf: You know, if you like nut milk you could….
Me: No
Never debate an idiot. Idiots never know when they’ve lost. That’s one of the reasons they’re idiots.
Over 40 means you go to the bathroom one more time “for good measure”.
Nothing says “Proper Retirement Planning” like a garbage can full of losing lottery tickets