My high school “best friend” unfriended me on Facebook, so I guess the weight loss is noticeable.
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If someone is whistling they:
1. Just killed someone
2. Are on their way to kill someone
3. Are plotting to kill someone
Starting to miss the kids after 5 days at grandma’s, so I wistfully dumped a bin of toys on the floor and sprinkled crumbs on the couch.
I’m sorry I joined the zoom with my flames of hell background
eye doctor: your results aren’t good
me: can I see them
eye doctor: probably not
My gym shut down but a pizza place opened in its spot so my visits have remained pretty consistent
Football player: please God, let my team win
God: ok sure, that’s simple enough
Football player on other team: God please let my team win
God: oh no
Turns out you don’t need to have a large gathering to still argue about religion and politics.
I’m pretty sure my kids see a freshly vacuumed floor as a challenge.
I’m sorry your baby is crying right now. Have you tried taking it farther away from me?
[grocery store]
DAD: [wearing a ski mask]
SON: this is so embarrassing
MOM: hush- your father gets nervous when we have to buy toilet paper
mondays are the worst day of the week because no one likes you unless you’re a holiday
Blood is thicker than water and a lot harder to clean off the walls.
My friend’s band is called Duvet.
It’s a cover band.
Me: How dare you accuse me of being drunk last night !?
Wife: You were laughing all night at the TV – that wasn’t even turned on!
Shoutout to the wife for stacking her shampoo bottles in the shower like she’s on her last 3 turns on Jenga.
My 7yo twins informed me when they grow up they aren’t going to have kids, they want to travel the country in a motor home and take homeless children off the sidewalk.
I guess it’s time for the ol “kidnapping is frowned upon” talk.
Me: *drowning*
My Fitbit: great job!! Your first ever exercise!
Eventually there’ll be another civil war and you’ll still have to go into work.
corner shelves seem like such an ingenious use of space until you try to put stuff in them
It’s one of life’s cruellest jokes that just as your kids reach an age where they’ll allow you to sleep through the night, your bladder hits the age that says, ‘no you won’t!’
Christian: You need Jesus in your life
Me: But I can’t find him
Jesus: *Hiding in a cave, giggling*
My 5yo told me he’s carrying coins in his pocket in case he runs into any guys he has to pay, and now I have questions
I just unplugged my WIFI and heard someone yell WTF from across the street!
History is written by the victors. That’s why I only trust historians who are cool and good looking. If someone seems like a loser they’re probably not writing real history.
Me: What are you going to wear on the first day of school?
9-year-old: My coolest shirt.
Me: What about the second day?
9: My coolest shirt again.
I’m going to be doing a lot of laundry.
Cop: Are you drunk or high on drugs? Me: No officer. Cop: Your pupils are dilated. Me: (Paranoid) WHA!, how’d you know I teach fat kids?!
They say children are a gift from god. I’m totally wide-open to regifting.
So many friends have kids now it’s tough to meet for coffee, let alone carry out the greatest casino heist the world has ever known
[sitting in dentist’s chair]
Dentist: get out of my living room
Me: Do not ‘K’ me again.
Daughter: Que
Me: In any language.
Her: SiThis is why I’m crazy.