Husband:What do you want for Mother’s Day?
Me:I don’t want to have to tell you what I want
Husband:(goes to the store and never comes back)
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My 7-year-old told me she wants a pet chinchilada. Do I find this at the pet store or a Mexican restaurant?
why everytime i get in the shower i hear someone raiding my house
THE ANTICHRIST: Hey, dad. I’m hungry.
THE DEVIL: Hi, Hungry. I’m Beelzebub, the serpent in the Garden, Lucifer, son of the morning, the fallen angel, Baphomet, the prince of darkness, Mephistopheles, Satan, the truest evil, Mammon, the dragon of the bottomless pit, left hand of—
Shopping for chicken breasts at the grocery store
Price: $7.04
“No way”
Price: $6.94
“Now we’re talking”
I went out of town for a few days and came home to my dog who seems to want to have a word with me about it.
Due to unforeseen circumstances, I will no longer be eating cheese I don’t remember putting in my purse
Thou shall not throw shade, if though cannot throw hands.
Thuggalations: 17:28
Time traveling humans are always freaked out by culture changes
If a moose time travels it probably just finds a field to frolic in moosily
My 4yr old keeps handing me toy dinosaurs and asking what kind they are and I have no clue… so I’ve been making up names.
Oh buddy that’s a plethosaurus.
That one’s a legiosaurus.
That’s a longneckasaurus.
Oh yes and this is the elusive bigbuttosaurus.
#WhyDoPeopleThinkItsOkayTo replace letters in words with numbers….well now i don’t feel like reading the math equation you just sent me
GIVE ME FUEL GIVE ME FIRE GIVE ME MILK THAT’S NOT EXPIRED
I just got hit head on by a crazy women riding a menstrual cycle.
Me: *hyperventilating* 911? BEES! … EVERYWHERE! … SEND…HELP!
“Sir we don’t …”
Me: OMG! DON’T YOU HAVE A SWAT TEAM FOR THIS?
*cooks for 2 hours with all fresh ingredients*
My family: it’s ok*throws in frozen pizza*
My family: yayyyy pizzaaaa!
why do people get so upset about bad haircuts. name one other problem that resolves itself quietly over time while you wait
I thought I was experiencing early menopause but it turned out one of my kids set the thermostat to 87°.
I think the saying “every man for himself” was made up by women tired of making sandwiches
I’m teaching my boys to leave the toilet seat up so there’s no pee on it when I put it down. Everything is a lie and life is a bad dream.
I hate my earbuds.
The story of Narcissus falling in love with his reflection is a little far-fetched.
*takes 87 selfies*
*deletes my ex’s phone number*
k, weigh me now.
Enter new password
“336Hours”
Your password is two weeks
I didn’t realize 80% of song lyrics were inappropriate until I had to listen to them in the car with my kids.
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me: *takes first bite*
waiter: HOW’S EVERYTHING TASTING
I call bullshit on red wine reducing fat. If there was any truth to that, I’d resemble a crack addict.
Schedule your appointment early in the month before your dentist starts fretting about their next boat payment.
It’s okay, everyone. I know my 3yo’s screams sound like his leg was run over by a lawn mower, but he’s just got some fuzz stuck to his thumb
Body language tells us a lot about people. For example, my neighbor really doesn’t like to be held underwater for more than 2 minutes.
One of my kids hates the smell of melted cheese, so naturally my other kid is going through a nachos only phase.