Husband:What do you want for Mother’s Day?
Me:I don’t want to have to tell you what I want
Husband:(goes to the store and never comes back)
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Don’t believe that bullshit.
Failure is ALWAYS an option.
me: aren’t you going to ask if i’m sexually active
doctor: i don’t really need to
me: wait why
doctor:
me:
doctor: look i heard you say ‘okie dokie’ to the receptionist i already know you aren’t
Her: *uses quarantine as an opportunity to learn Japanese and crochet*
Me: *uses quarantine as an opportunity to perfect my cereal to milk ratio*
me: [trying to cheat in an exam]
teacher: I’m married
Well, actually, FBI is not an acronym; it’s an initialism, because you can’t pronounce it as a word.
Mom: This is why you have no friends.
Me: *barges into the room*
How dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!
My one and only plan to get rich is to short Nintendo stock just before the internet finally decides that Italian stereotypes are racist
This lady was being so rude to me in the grocery line so rather than say anything to her, I invited everyone behind her to go ahead of me. Today, I had time.
ME: I fell off a 50 ft tall ladder once
GIRL: holy cow how did you survive
ME: I fell off the bottom rung
Restaurant chain commercials should run the disclaimer “Actual food might not tumble and splash in slow motion”.
I’d like to have a child one day. Two days, tops.
Me: When I die, cremate me and dump my ashes in the Gulf.
15: Ok
Me: And a memorial bench by the beach.
15: No, you’re not getting a bench, they cost a fortune. Not a chance. I’ll slap a sticker with your name on it on a bench outside of Target and we’ll call it a day.
Dr: Do you limit your alcohol intake?
Me: Yes. As soon as I pass out, I’m done.
Wife: cuddle?
Me: ok
Wife: I mean with me
Me: *with my teddy bear* right
Justify your alcoholism by having children.
Teen [fixing his hair in the mirror]: mum I think I have like, a natural perm? Is that a thing?
Me: yeahhh… it’s called curly hair
Medusa was the absolute worst when it came to objectifying people.
He said he wanted to “put more than just words in my mouth” and I was like “I hope you mean hamburgers.”
I was misbehaving during family game night. So now I’m in Solitaire confinement.
Instead of meeting any new people I would much rather un-meet the ones I already know.
It’s not illegal to get in a taxi and scream until you’ve reached your destination.
[eating cured meats and mixed cheeses while jumping out of an airplane] lmao pacharcuterie
Awkward=when autocorrect changes ‘sooner’ to ‘sober’ so email to 8 yr. old’s teacher reads “I apologize for not getting back to you sober”
Starting to think North Korea just really hates the ocean.
[me, in front of the firing squad] are you mad at me
You can’t choose your family, but you can block them on Facebook.
The aliens only appear to people in the US because they’ve heard so much about its many hummus flavours
I think they could have phrased this better
It’s too bad The Carpenters never got to do a project with MC Hammer and Nine Inch Nails.
I just innocently told my wife that for the past 8 years I’ve thought it was okay to put bobbles and hair pins in the bin if they’re just left lying around.
Holy shit. What a moment.