me: no don’t open that candy before din-
5: [opens bag of candy and skittles go everywhere]
me: [deep breath] iwantedkidsiwantedkidsiwantedkids. ididthistomyselfididthistomyself.
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CINDERELLA: were you always my fairy godmother
FAIRY GODMOTHER: yes, always
CINDERELLA: so you watched my stepmother horribly mistreat me for years and did nothing
FAIRY GODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA:
FAIRY GODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA:
FAIRY GODMOTHER: look what i can do to this pumpkin
My pet rock, Simon, died and I was going to bury him outside but I set him down and now I’m not sure which one is Simon oh no
[Dragging 3 whining kids through mall] No thank you, mall kiosk employee, I’m not interested in trying “something amazing for my hair.”
me: you said you were going to clean your room
5 year old: I said it, but I didn’t promise
me: yes you did. you said, “I promise”
5 year old: ok, I promised, but I didn’t mean it
[rolls a boiled egg down the bar to a hot girl]
me – “that was an accident can I have my egg back please”
FYI THIS MAN IS NOT A DOCTOR HE PRESCRIBED ME TWO PLATES OF SPAGHETTI FOR MY BROKEN PELVIS AND THEN THREW A TURTLE AT ME
I like to hide condom wrappers in my married friends pockets.
Why do Mexicans eat tamales on Christmas?
Because they’re delicious, you racist asshole.
me: you can’t take a joke
joke thief: what
Type out “My best quality is” and then let predictive text finish it! I’ll start
“My best quality is I am a worthy vessel for the demon lord Paimon who will bring about a new age of darkness. All will suffer his wrath and despair” haha so random
Can hardly wait until my winter fat turns into spring rolls.
When you’re dragging a boat full of sailors to its watery doom then suddenly remember you left the oven on
Me:
Mime:
Me: You don’t say!
I like to take long walks away from stupid people.
When I write “I hope this email finds you well” I’m referring to the email’s skills in tracking you down.
Me before kids: How could anyone NOT want to play with their kids? 🥺
Me two kids later: Oh.
Hurricane Facebook Events are back y’all
One of the perks of marriage is having someone around to let you know which normal things from your childhood were actually very very weird
“If someone wanted to murder you, a night light wouldn’t stop them”
I will never lie to my future children.
i’ve decided to start saying “moopy” instead of “movie” just subtly enough that people will silently question it but will never ask. i deserve this.
I hope this email finds you. And when it finds you it will make you pay.
It is all a lie. Folding laundry does NOT get you laid. I do mine all the time and yet there is not a knock at my door…
why worry about today when you can worry about the past present and future simultaneously like a nervous god
Writing some Valentines, do girls prefer to be called “slick” or “chief”???
ME: my apologies sir I totally thought you were someone else
HIM: *pulls plunger off his face* well don’t let it happen again
ME: isn’t it weird how you get corn in your poop?
DOCTOR: yes but I’ve never seen an entire cob before
Nobody:
Toy Makers: KIDS ARE PROBABLY HARD OF HEARING SO MAKE SURE EVERYTHING IS LOUD
5: I’ve only got one shoe
Me: you need to find the other one
5: I found it!
Me: that was quick, where was it
5: on my foot!
Me: that’s the one you already had on
5: oh
[commercial for soap]
NARRATOR: soap. it fights dirty.