BEN CARSON: On the news I saw a portal to another dimension open & robots came out, we need to stop that
MODERATOR:That was The Avengers sir
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I’m feeling very anxious i think this 7th mug of coffee will take the edge off
Sitting here eating blueberries
wondering if my brain is improving
Doubt it…..
took too long to spell doubt
HR says that we are no longer able to say to anyone “if ignorance is bliss you must be such a happy person” even if we smile as we say it.
Him: This is not what I had in mind when I suggested role play
Me: [in Boba Fett helmet] Shut up and put Captain Solo in the cargo hold
[At job interview]
Interviewer: Do you have a police record?
Me: No. But I do have a few of their albums on cassette
*hires me instantly
When someone tries to shush me by handing me a donut, I feel so conflicted.
I’m preparing for Halloween early by pretending not to be home every time someone knocks the door.
I’m fine, doctor. My heart rate was elevated because I was thinking about tacos
PRESIDENT OBAMA: I pardon this turkey-
TURKEY: Nope. I’m ready. 2016 was a shit show. Kill me now
My wife gets upset because I like to talk during sex. Last night she hung up the phone on me.
If you had a gaming PC in prison, can you imagine how good you’d get
Wife: You were supposed to watch the kids!
Me: I am
Wife: They’re drawing on the walls!
Me: I said I’d watch. I didn’t say I’d intervene.
*pronounces carrot like tarot*
Me: You’re going to disagree with this statement.
Wife: No I’m not.
It was the best of times.
It was the worst of times.
It had mixed feelings about the times.
wanna reboot your brain?
eat spicy ramen
Batman: Life isn’t a video game. Your actions have consequences
*Robin writes ‘I’m sorry I forgot to buy Charmin®’ 100 times on Batpaper*
Ever notice most Ford names are more fun to say when you put “anal” in front of them?
Probe, Explorer, Excersion, Ranger…
I think this cat is broken
My doctor said I need to lose weight so I have to cut carbs. Or get a new doctor. whatever is easiest.
Seeing a stuffed deer head on a wall makes me imagine its legs in the next room, just flailing around wildly.
Goodnight stars. Goodnight air. Goodnight 30-50 feral hogs everywhere
[interview at the Pringles factory]
BOSS: why do you wanna work here?
TENNIS BALL: {don’t say to take back the tubes} uhh i love curvy chips
Millennial: what’s crackalackin’?
Me: my knees, my shoulder, my neck, and my back
Oh no, I accidentally drove over my neighbor’s creepy garden gnome 12 times.
The right person will know this subtweet is about them.
This is Manny. Every single time he chews on his ball, it goes flying out of his mouth. And every single time, he is surprised. 13/10
“Life is full of surprises,” I say as you open your shower curtain.
Why does the dentist have to take an X-ray of my teeth. They right there bro
Get the body you always wanted this summer. Go grave-robbing.