Hypnotist: When I count to three you will wake up
Me: Then don’t count to three
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[3am]
Me:
My Dog: time to set the world record for licking noises
Angel: Welcome to Heaven
Me: But… this is a Costco…
A: Yes. And here is a map with the exact locations listed for every item you need
M: *falls to my knees, sobbing with emotion and gratitude*
[turns to guy at next urinal]
“When the Little Mermaid became human how did she know how to use a toilet? BIG-TIME plot hole in my opinion”
anime is so crazy think about shooting your shot with a cute girl you meet in a coffee shop and she turns out to be a corpse devouring ghoul 5 seconds later.
Job interview:
– Good morning
– Good morning
– Have you got a twitter account?
– Yes
– Ok, thanks for your time. We’ll get back to you
[Christopher Columbus arriving in Hell]
Columbus: I’m the first person here! I discovered this!
“Sir, you cannot return your friend.”
But she got me a shitty gift.
“You can return the gift. Not the friend.”
Well that’s a dumb policy.
(Bar)
Him-Are you seeing anyone?Me-Oh yes.
[I wink at the weird clown that resides on the very edge of my peripheral vision at all times]
Hockey is more enjoyable if you pretend they’re fighting over the world’s last Oreo.
Good news: He told me I was his penguin.
Bad news: Penguins only have sex once a year.
Airlines need to freakin’ make up their mind abt the temp of the plane once n for all.
1st flight was so freakin’ cold, I could see my soda freeze as I was drinking it n now the 2nd one is throwing so much hot air like I wanna lie naked rn!!!
#travelling
#AmericanAirlines
What my teens said: There’s nothing to eat
What my teens meant: WE ATE ALL THE FOOD!
Welcome to your 40s: you’re not exhausted that’s just your face now.
People who would say “I can’t believe it’s not butter” are the same people who support all those Nigerian princes.
this is literally a CIA plant
[Dinner with GF’s parents]
Thank you for having me over, can I use the bathroom?
“MAY I use the bathroom”
*slams fists down*
I ASKED FIRST
[cats plan a heist]
Ok…Max, u cut the alarm. Felix, u open the safe. Um…any ideas for a getaway car?
*Mittens drifts by on a roomba*
Perfect
I saw nothing
There’s a Baseball field in Finland that has a river camera. The results are what I’d expect.
English is just 3 languages wearing a trenchcoat pretending to be one tall language
*wear sunscreen*
*go up to a guy named Ray and punch him in the nose*
*now laugh because sunscreen protects you from ultra violent Rays*
I can’t afford a vacation. So I’m just going to drink until I don’t know where I am.
My lack of exercise is really catching up to me. Now it’s passing me. Wow, my lack of exercise is in great shape.
Got a piece of mail today addressed to “Epic” instead of “Eric” and finally somebody truly gets me.
Genetics are weird. Like only 1 of the kids got my hair color but all of them got my husband’s inability to fully close a drawer.
If Donald Trump becomes president, we could finally out-crazy North Korea.
Last night the Ghosts of Halloween Past, Present and Future visited me and all had the same message: Don’t eat 5 bags of Reese’s Pumpkins again this year.
I’m not like the other girls. I’m a 37 year old man.
A video of a seal jumping in a boat
to escape killer whales went viral.They were trying to orca-strate
a meal, but didn’t seal the deal.
I’d like to thank whomever told my mom that WTF means “wow that’s fantastic.” Her texts are so much more fun now.